Friday, December 11, 2015

Pretty Rough

Last night Johnny Taylor Jr. and I performed at The Crocker Art Museum. Yeah, we fancy. At the early show half the audience was really into it, and the other seemed like maybe they were checking out stand up comedy for the first time, now that it was in a real center of culture and all.

In between shows, I was confronted by an older woman who told me, "Your jokes were pretty rough."
I asked her, "What do you mean by rough?"
"Well you were talking about penises and bananas with condoms on them and a little boy."
I said, "Woah!!! That is a gross misrepresentation of that joke! I told a true story about trying to be responsible, making sure my 13 year old nephew had information about safe sex."
"Why? Why would you tell a 13 year old those things?" she asked, with dismay in her voice.
"As I said in the joke, this 13 year old, we were led to believe, was sexually active. And it's just information. Kids should have information. I'm actually really proud of that joke and how graphic it is in the information it shares."
"You should have just told him not to do it."
"Not to do it!? That doesn't work! The people in those flyover states that we don't care about, they were gracious enough to do an experiment with abstinence only education and guess what, their teen pregnancy and STD rates are off the charts, but listen, I don't think you object to my comedy. I think we have a philosophical difference and you're mad that my act didn't cater specifically to your beliefs."
She snapped back, "You don't even know me!"
I said, "Yeah! Which is why it's so absurd for you to think my act was gonna be tailor made for you. Listen, you look around this museum. You're gonna see a lot of art, and some of it you're not gonna like and the artists... they're probably not going to care what you think. It's been a pleasure talking to you."

The second show we straight murdered.

Monday, November 16, 2015

See a penny, pick it up...

I'm a skeptic.
This doesn't mean I'm completely immune to they psychological effects of superstition.
Walking down the street, I spied a quarter. I picked it up. I put it in my pocket. I went on to have a really terrible 24 hours, just the worst day.
I was grumbling back down the same street where I'd found the quarter the day before, and when I came to the spot where the quarter had been, I stopped, took it out of my pocket and placed it right back again where I'd found it.
The streak of misery ended.
Over the next year I probably passed up a good couple of cups of coffee worth of change as I refused to pick up abandoned coinage on my frequent walks. I'd tricked my brain into shaking off the negativity but had picked up a superstition in the process.
Then I started picking up coins again.
You see, I'd had another bad day, and found myself wishing I had a bad luck quarter in my pocket so that I could put it back where I got it and get myself back on the right track.

Monday, September 21, 2015

This Bernie Supporter's Ten Honest Answers to Ten Honest Questions

I found this article titled:

Ten honest questions I’d like every Bernie Sanders supporter to answer

1. If Elizabeth Warren were in the race, most of you would be supporting her instead. If neither Warren nor Bernie were in the race, most of you would be supporting Martin O’Malley despite knowing nothing about him. How are we supposed to take your endorsement of Bernie seriously when you appear to be simply backing him because he’s not Hillary?

Yeah, if Warren were in I'd support her. I'd support Hillary before O'Malley though. But I imagine there are people who'd prefer O'Malley to Hillary. It's almost like people are voting for the person who best represents their views and Hillary might not be in the top 3 positions on that list for some of them. 

2. Do you honestly believe that Bernie would do well with foreign policy? Do you think he’d really be able to get congressmen of either party to vote for any of his initiatives once they see that he’s not willing to compromise even a little? Are you envisioning a scenario in which President Bernie would be able to get anything accomplished at all? Even his most prominent supporters like Noam Chomsky have acknowledged he would get nothing done in office. Are you so enamored with the very idea of a protest candidate winning, you wouldn’t care that he’d be ineffective?

I'm a bit emboldened perhaps by Obama getting as much done as he has even with the House and Senate he has, but I suggest you look into Bernie's history or even just listen to him more than you seem to have. He is an adept politician, no stranger to politics or to compromise.
And to be honest, I'm more concerned about what he'd stop from happening at this point given the extreme platform of the modern GOP. 

3. Are you unable to understand national polls, or do you just like to ignore them because they reveal that your guy is losing by thirty-eight points within his own party?

Do you just pick your candidate by who seems to be winning? Bernie has been gaining ground. He may win a couple of early primaries and the effect of that might further close that gap on the national scene. Or I might campaign for the candidate I am passionate about, and if he loses, take the loss like an adult and decide what to do from there.

4. Are you under the impression that the people showing up to Bernie’s rallies each get more than one vote? Is that how you think he closes the gap? Or have you intentionally saturated yourself so thoroughly with people voting for your guy that you’ve honestly forgotten the vast majority of the nation says they favor someone else?

Yes. OMG? You mean, you don't get extra votes when you attend a Bernie rally? WTF?! (See answer to #3, and quit being an asshole.)

5. Do you understand that Bernie’s refusal to take traditional SuperPAC money means that even if he did get the nomination, he’d be outspent ten to one by his republican opponent? Are you aware that moderates and undecideds make their decisions based primarily on television ads, which are the most expensive part of any campaign? Do you get that nearly every ad would be for the republican? Do you get that he’d almost certainly lose? Would you really rather Bernie get the nomination and lose, than Hillary get the nomination and win? Because that’s how it looks to the rest of us.

Yeah. We understand. Do you get that for many of us it's one our favorite things about him, and that the world is changing fast? We are becoming the media. The GOP is not putting forward a serious candidate. If ever there was a time when this could happen it's now, (and also several other times in a our history when a dark horse candidate won.)
Are YOU suggesting the Democratic establishment as well as all the registered Democrats aren't going to pull together behind Bernie if he gets the nomination? 

6. Why do you spend more time pushing crazy lies about Hillary than you do talking up Bernie’s ideas? Bernie himself has made it clear that he thinks highly of Hillary, and he scolds any reporters who try to get him to trash her. If you’re primarily supporting him because you think lowly of her, have you considered the extent of the disconnect between you and your candidate? Has it occurred to you that if Bernie heard you talking about Hillary the way you talk about her, he’d angrily tell you off?

But I don't. I actually follow Bernie's lead on this one. As do most of his supporters. Why would you let the loudest and most obnoxious followers of any group represent the majority? 

7. Do you really think that Bernie’s strong showing in New Hampshire, a tiny state five minutes from where he lives, where he’s been locally popular for decades, is representative of the nation? Do you really think that New Hampshire’s four electoral votes will make a difference in this primary? And again, do you not know how to read national polls, or do you just like ignoring them because those polls reveal that your guy’s candidacy is already finished?

This should have been 8 (sort of) Honest Questions, since this is the third time you're asking this one. I'm curious why you're so interested in what we think if you're so sure this race is already over...

8. Do you get that you’re supporting Bernie for essentially the same reason that conservatives are supporting Donald Trump? Do you realize that both men are basing their campaigns entirely on “government sucks, the system sucks, both parties suck, politicians are idiots and a trained rat could do better, and I’m just that trained rat.” Do you not understand the parallels between your desire to stomp your feet at Bernie’s generic indignance, and conservatives’s desire to stomp their feet at Trump’s generic indignance? Does that not embarrass you?

Do you get that Bernie is a life long politician? Do you? 

9. Most of you supporting Bernie are also fans of Obama. Seeing how Obama has all but endorsed Hillary, and how Obama sees her as his natural successor, don’t you find it odd that you’re instead rooting against her – even as you still try to take credit for supporting Obama? How does that make you any different from the republicans who try to take credit for Obama’s accomplishments while insisting he should be replaced by republican?

I disagree with Obama on many things. I am a fan of some of his stances and accomplishments. It's almost like I have a nuanced view and it's not a "For him or against him" situation. I'm also not rooting against Hillary. I have some problems with Bernie's voting record. A few. I have many more with Hillary's. If she becomes the nominee I will vote for her as I believe she is better than anyone the GOP is offering up, by far. I'm very glad that Bernie, and more importantly the support he's garnered, is pushing her further to the left. 

10. And the only question that truly matters: when Hillary becomes the democratic party nominee, will you pout and stay home on election day and hand the nation back to the republicans? Or will you show up and vote for Hillary because you know she’s the far better of the two candidates? While none of us understand why you’re supporting a less-qualified protest candidate whose ideas aren’t realistic and who can’t win anyway, we’re really only going to judge you based on what you do on election day. So when it’s Hillary vs Jeb TrumpCruz, what’s it going to be?

If those are my choices, I will vote for Hillary. You're worried about her beating them even as you're so sure of her beating Sanders? Weird. 

Friday, September 11, 2015

Delivery: Comedy fresh to you

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  • Tired of your spouse’s lame old jokes?
  • Or just sitting at home feeling lonely?
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Yes, you read that right! Just $20 will bring the awesomeness to your couch, backyard, garage, tool shed, trailer, van, etc.
(Tips cheerfully accepted)

Friday, August 21, 2015

I will deliver

I don't have a gig tonight, SO...

I will deliver.

If you live within a few minutes of the downtown/midtown Sacramento area. I will drive further for large orders.

You may order any of my DVDs or CDs and I will deliver them to you, and take a picture with you.

No delivery fee, though I do accept tips.

Deliveries start at 8pm. I accept cash, checks, all major credit cards.

Yes. This is silly, but I totally mean it.

To The Moon, CD: My first album, recorded at Luna's about 5 years ago $10

Cats Made of Rabbits, CD or DVD, recorded at The Sacramento Comedy Spot $10 or $15

Elf Orgy, CD, recorded at SF Punch Line $10

Atheist Christmas, CD and DVD, my latest, 2 full shows, recorded at SF Punch Line San Francisco and Sac Comedy Spot. $15

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Happy Louis Armstrong's Birthday!

It's Louis Armstrong's Birthday... probably.

Here are just a few of the reasons why he was one of the coolest people ever.

1. Played with such beauty, heart, and soul he could actually play the racism out of a person's heart. No, for real. A lawyer involved in Brown VS Board of Education describes how hearing Armstrong play changed his views forever. Read more here:

2. He was being sent around the world by the State Dept. as a musical ambassador but cancelled a tour of The Soviet Union, criticizing Eisenhower's handling of desegregation in Little Rock. He used very strong language and took much heat for it, but refused to back down.
3. Upon being told his racially integrated band could not play in his home town of New Orleans, he announced he'd never play there again, and would not be buried there either.

4. When doctors told him it was time to retire, he said no. It seems he didn't see much point in living a bit longer if it was to be without playing music.

5. West End Blues. Possibly the most influential jazz recording of all time.

Pops, Dipper, Satch, Satchmo, Satchelmouth Louis Armstrong. I'll be listening to him all day. I hope you'll join me. Feel free to share your favorite songs of his in the comments.

Thursday, May 28, 2015

How Patreon Works

My audience is spread out over the globe. I'm stoked when I can actually reach people to perform live, but there's only so much of that I can do, what with me actually wanting to be present for my kid's childhood and all. Youtube is a great way for me to entertain beyond where I can physically reach, and Patreon is a great way to actually make a career out of that.

The way Patreon works:

People sign up to be patrons, and pledge to pay me every time I upload a stand up comedy video. Usually, a buck a video. Everyone gets to see the stand up videos, whether they sponsor me or not. It just allows those who can and want to help out to do so.

Patrons can limit how much they get billed a month. I aim to make 4 videos a month. You can limit your pay out to $4 max a month, you can even limit it to $1 max a month.

As a reward I post one video a month (or more) just for Patrons, and I don't charge for that one.

I like living in the future.

You can find my Patreon page at:
Check out my stand up videos at:

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

The Banana Story

I'm getting weekly videos up online again. You can help keep this happenings, and help improve the quality, and also get to see exclusive content. More information at Http://

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Trigger Warnings

I tweeted about a news story on Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson, and in doing so I included a "trigger warning" along with the link which resulted in the following exchange (My replies in bold):

He sucks. but dude "trigger warning" come on, you're a comedian. cut that shit out.

Why? What could possibly wrong with letting people know that I'm linking to graphic descriptions of violence? And what does it have to do with me being a comedian?
My dad, a strong, intelligent man, can have his day ruined by 'Nam footage. He suffered trauma
It's wrong to help him avoid this?

Comedians and free speech go hand in hand. this guys a dick. people should be told he's a dick. when you have to give a warning about it you're just giving power to people to stop you from speaking your mind down the road

Wrong. Letting people who've suffered trauma make informed choices didn't stop me from linking that story.
The warning wasn't about calling him a dick. It was warning victims of violent trauma about graphic descriptions of violence.
The backlash against it feels like shaming them for being susceptible to triggers.

Some songs make me cry, do I need a warning for them? the world is tough, things will upset people, it sucks, but it happens.

You crying at a sad song is the same as what a victim of violent trauma suffers? Shaming, belittling. You know any such victims?

Not being able to report a story because it might upset someone is bordering on a creepy factor i don't understand.

Also, you still have failed to support the idea that it will limit what I can say in any way.
Straw man. I did report the story.
And the warning made it easier to do so, not harder.

I just don't get it. should every news paper and news channel need a trigger warning?
Do you have to give trigger warnings now before jokes? when i see comedians or anyone talk I expect I might be offended. NBD.

You don't "have" to do anything. When you're able to, and choose to, it's a kind and considerate action.
My act never has long, drawn out descriptions of violence. If it did, I'd probably warn people.
In fact, when I hosted Spike and Mike's Festival of Animation, I did warn people, and my warning was funny.
NPR often gives one. It's great. I don't see the harm. It allows them more freedom to deliver the hard news.
You compare being offended to what a victims of violent trauma experience. Again, belittling. Do you know anyone suffering PTSD?

Yes. And there's no escaping words/articles/pictures. We have to help people because you can't constantly be sheltered.

Sure. And when you're able to let someone know what's ahead, do so. I still don't see the harm in a friendly warning.

There's always something that will offend someone. Where does it end?
Yesterday a group was asking for people to do jazz hands cuz clapping was causing anxiety. Maybe I'm dumb, I just don't get it

You're talking about offense again. Straw man. I never warned people they might be offended. That's not what trigger means.
Yesterday other people were building sidewalk ramps to make my city more accessible. Some efforts are good, some not...
I thought we were talking about trigger warnings?

And that's where it ends. Please note, I did correct some grammar and one major typo to make it more readable. You can read it on Twitter if you wish, HERE:

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

The Workout Room

Posting videos weekly. Support this effort, and you'll be rewarded with exclusive content.
More information here:

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Guess my dad's more of a Tupac guy.

My dad was at Wendy's. He told the girl he wanted his meal "Large".
She asked, "You mean biggie?"
He answered, "The largest size you have."
Her, "Biggie?"
Dad, "Yes."
Her, "Yes, what?"
Dad, "Yes, I want the largest size you have."
Her, "You mean Biggie?"
Dad, "Yes."
Her, "Yes what?"
Dad, "I'm not gonna fucking say it."
Her "... will that be for here or to go, sir?"


My buddy, Craig, asked me, "Are you on Snap Chat."

I Said, "No." and then I asked "Should I be?" and I asked this before even asking what it was because I have an irrational fear of there being a thing that I'm not on.

Craig explained it to me. "It's fantastic. Women send you naked pictures."

I said, "This sounds like a great app."

He explained, "The picture is only on the screen for a few seconds and you can't save 'em. The app turns off your screen cap so you can't do that either."

I said, "Craig, that sounds brilliant."

And then my friend showed me the elaborate set up he rigged for using snap chat. "So look here, I have my tablet run into this large monitor. The pics appear there in all their glory. I keep my iPhone at the ready, and I take a pic of the pic on the monitor. I now have a huge collection of hot as hell nude pics stored away for a rainy day, a horny rainy day. What do you think?"

And I said, "Craig, you're what's wrong with the world. These women are kind enough to bare their bodies for you, and you ignore the conditions you agreed to under which they gave you this gift. That's so dishonest. You know creepy behavior like this and creepy men like you are why women need technology like this in the first place in order to feel safe and secure, and creepy guys like you are why it will ultimately fail. You make all of us less and less likely to see boobs. You not only hurt women, violate their trust, make them susceptible to public humiliation, but you cost men boobs, and frankly, Craig, I'm disgusted."

And Craig said, "So, do you want to see the pics?" and I replied, "Of course I do."

And then I realized this was wrong, obviously, and I said, "Can I just watch you procuring the pics, and I'll just look during the consensual part?"

Then I realized that unless he tells them I'm there this is still problematic, so I went home and masturbated to a shampoo commercial.

Ah, shit.

My boss and I were talking about how much we hated taking meds. I told him I often go off of mine just to see if I still need 'em. He said, "Yeah? What are the bad side effects?"
I answered, "None. The only effect of my drugs is that I don't shit blood."
"Then why would you not take 'em?"
I guess the answer is that taking my drugs feels like acknowledging that I'm broken and dependent. In political turmoil or a natural disaster, I'd be screwed. My position of privilege in the world is the only reason I'm not dead.
Good morning everyone. I hope you're having good shits.

Monday, April 13, 2015

The Break In

I was sitting on the toilet.

It's a bit disconcerting how many of my stories now start this way.

"Keith, did you open the window and take the screen out?" My wife yelled from the living room. 

"No!" I shouted. "I'm on the toilet!"

"Someone's been in our house!"
I hurried what is normally the most relaxing part of my day, and raced to the living room. Someone had removed the screen and pulled a towel from a pile of laundry on the couch to cover the windowsill to make their illegal entry into our home more comfortable.

Then it dawned on us that we didn't know for sure that this person had left our house. "Go to Max!" I urged my wife, as our daughter was alone in our bed, having sleepwalked there sometime in the wee hours of the morning, possibly even while the intruder was in our house. Aluminum baseball bat in hand, creepy thoughts in head, I quickly checked our small flat for unwanted visitors. I then went to the front door, found it unlocked, and opening it discovered that our car was gone. 

It seems the thief had done a quick route, window to door grabbing a few goodies on the way, my wife's laptop and purse mainly. The purse contained the keys and they drove off. They walked right past my record collection. Didn't touch it, which is quite insulting.

It's an intrusion, a hit to your sense of security, a violation, all these things that people say yes, but then it's followed by having to allow cops into your house which isn't one of my favorite things either. An Asian cop and a Hispanic cop showed up and I was relieved that at least they weren't white. The main reasons I don't like dealing with white cops is that I'm afraid we might get along fine, and then I'd worry that it was for the wrong reasons. 'Hey, you guys are alright. Wait a minute... it's not because I'm white is it?' This may be why I've picked up the bad habit of persuading cops to hit me and arrest me and otherwise not get along fine with me.

They asked me if I had any enemies. I thought, "Well, you guys if you've heard what I say about cops in my act." but I answered, "I'm a stand up comedian with strong opinions. Plenty of people hate me."

We tried to get back to our lives as best as we could. I slept on the couch in the living room, or more accurately, I lay awake all night on the couch in the living room. We researched alarms, and we waited for our car to turn up somewhere, as we hear they usually do.
My daughter calls the car Zoey and she was very upset that it was taken. We did our best to keep her routine normal and to minimize the effect of the break in on her psyche. When she said to me, "Daddy, maybe the people that took Zoey were homeless and just really needed to get somewhere." I felt like she was processing it all okay, maybe better than us.

I was at work when I answered a call from my wife. "I'm parked behind our car right now."

Pretty sure the cops would do nothing and feeling powerless my wife took to the internet and read that most cars are found within 10 miles of where they're taken from. She grabbed my mom's van, gave our little one the rare treat of some french fries to buy her patience and began driving our neighborhood. 

She found the car a few blocks from us. After getting a ride from a coworker I wanted to grab the car and go but my smart other half insisted we call the police and wait until they show up. We were on stake out, watching our car.

A cop car pulled up, and the officer gave me some rubber gloves, since they'd be fingerprinting later, and welcomed me to check the car out. Our hope was that our child car seats would still be in the back. They weren't. A big flat screen TV on the other hand was, wrapped in one of our blankets that they'd found in the trunk. 

"Is that yours?" the officer asked

"No." I told her honestly, because I'm an idiot. "But I'll take it in exchange for the car seats they stole."

She laughed and took the TV to her cruiser's trunk after radioing in the serial numbers. I felt really good about that TV. We'd not been convenient people to rob. We'd soured a deal, gone out and found our car before they were done using it, right in the middle of a deal it seemed. I know they wanted that TV. I told the cop, "You'd think they, of ALL people, would know not to leave valuables in the car."

I was proud of that line. I repeated that line a lot, including just now, here in this blog post. 

They took everything from the car, even a small valentine that my daughter had received from a friend, with one glaring exception. They left behind my prized collection of cassette tapes. I know they saw them because they took the roll of quarters that was stored with them. Seriously, these folks do not know quality tunes! 

We now have an alarmed home, and an alarmed car, and a couple of security doors, and a motion sensing floodlight and we're slowly regaining a sense of security. A dog with big hears might be in our future too. We'll see. 

You'd think THEY, of ALL people, would know not to leave valuables in the car. HA ha. Oh, I slay me. 

Monday, March 23, 2015

The Atheist Survival Guide

Hey all,
A few years back I wrote a little book, had an awesome artist, Ben Walker, design a cover and then I did nothing with it. I've decided to just give it away free here. If I were to try and actually publish it there would certainly be a rewrite and several corrections, but I think there's some pretty funny and entertaining stuff as it is. I hope you dig it.

Here's the link:
Click on that and you should have access to the book as a PDF.

If you enjoy the book and you feel like you "tipping" you can paypal me. My email address associated with my paypal acct. is

You can also show your appreciation by sharing this blog post far and wide. I like that.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Three Muslim Students Shot

Atheists are gonna be really defensive about the shooting of three Muslim students. It was apparently a fight over a parking spot and the shooter turns out to be an atheist.

While this seems to be a fight over a parking spot, not over religions, I think that those who are actually involved and active in the atheist community (or communities) should take this seriously. I think we are too tolerant of dehumanizing rhetoric about Muslims. I think racism and xenophobia IS an issue when it comes to the one major religion where many of it's followers are foreign to us in ways other than just their religion. I can't tell you how many times I've heard atheists, including the top (most well known) mouthpieces claim that Islamaphobia isn't a real thing because there are legitimate reasons to fear Islam. There are legitimate reasons to fear heights too, but we don't argue that one can't also have an irrational fear of heights, one which is hysterical.
Just as we on the left called on the right to tone down the rhetoric after Gabby Giffords was shot, I think it's time we without gods look at our rhetoric, and the rhetoric of those we champion, associate with, or even just tolerate.

I'm sometimes accused of being less hard on Muslims than on Christians. Guilty. I grew up Christian. Most of the people I know and share a culture with are, or have been Christian. So yeah, I tread a bit more carefully when dealing with people who I already have so many other cultural differences with. I will not apologize for this.

Do you know a Muslim? If you don't know at least one Muslim, actually know them as a person, try to fix that. Let's reach out to our fellow humans on things we do agree on. And yes, of course, let's continue to champion reason and to be critical of human rights abuses and bad science, but keep the dialogue intelligent and respectful. Find some empathy. Without it we're all screwed.

(I will be keeping an eye on the comments. Please refrain from insults, name calling, and other ad hominem attacks. Let's talk. But act an ass, and you will be excused. My thoughts on this particular case are still evolving and I look forward to hearing yours.)