Thursday, October 31, 2013

Dildo Nose Art

Here's a rerun:

My dad asked what movie we wanted to rent. My oldest brother, John, suggested Clockwork Orange.

"We're not getting Clockwork Orange!"

"Dad, it's an art movie!" John pleaded. I didn't know Clockwork Orange but I did know that "art movie" often meant nudity, and my interest was piqued.

"A guy running around with a dildo on his face isn't art!" Dad grumbled. Okay, movie added to my must see list.

"What's a dildo?" my mom asked in her thick Brooklyn accent, triggering a fit of giggles from her five sons.

"SHUT UP!" Dad snapped before explaining calmly to Mom, "It's an artificial penis." triggering more giggles.

"Why do you all know that?!" Mom asked, unleashing a storm of laughs Dad knew better than to even try to quell.

It would be another couple of years before I got to see Clockwork Orange. Totally worth the wait.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013


I was having a run at the Y.
A man with a red tipped white cane found his way to the treadmill next to mine. He folded up his cane, an employee assisted him with pushing buttons to get the machine started, and then he was running along next to me.
Then he started to laugh. And then he laughed harder. He was running and laughing and it was contagious and I began to laugh. And the man on the other side of him began to laugh. And the three of us ran, and laughed, and ran. And then he yelled, still laughing, "I USUALLY CAN'T RUN!" And we all laughed harder still, and cried too.
It was the best run of my life, and I still think of him sometimes when I'm out for some exercise and I appreciate how great it feels to just run.

Monday, October 28, 2013

DWP not as dangerous as DWB.

Another comedian, my friend Johnny, and I had a gig in Mill Valley, a very wealthy neighborhood North of San Francisco. As we were leaving a cop pulled me over. He seemed pleasant enough as he came to my window.

"You know why I pulled you over?" he asked, as they do.

Yeah, because I'm a driving a 10 year old Toyota Corolla in Mill Valley, I thought. "No officer, was I speeding?" I said.

"No, but you didn't stop at that stop sign back there."

You mean the one I just stopped at?, I thought. "Oh, I must not have seen it." I said.

"No problem. So, what brings you to Mill Valley?" he asked, confirming my suspicion.

We're looking for rich old ladies to rob, I thought. "We're comics. We just performed at the theater." I said.

"Oh, great, great. You're performers. Let me run your license real quick and we'll get you on the road." He then ran my license, found me warrant free and told us to have a nice night. No ticket, though I'd supposedly run a stop sign.

I'd been pulled over just for being poor in a rich neighborhood. "Damn!" I said to Johnny as I pulled away from the curb, this must be what black people feel like." Then I thought for a minute and added "... I mean, except for that part where he let us go."

Johnny seemed distracted. I'm pretty sure he was looking for old ladies to rob.