Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Career milestones in 2010!

  1. Appeared on Lopez Tonight in a skit featuring Chris Rock.
  2. Performed with Jimmy Dore, Doug Stanhope, Will Durst, Laurie Kilmartin, Greg Proops, Billy Gardell, Taylor Negron, Wendy Liebman and a bunch of really amazing comics you haven't heard of... yet.
  3. Did my first gig as a feature (as opposed to opener/emcee) for Punch Line.
  4. Did my first run as a headliner (as opposed to a feature) for Tribble Run Entertainment.
  5. A particularly adorable fan sent me nude pics of herself, a 1st. So now I'm famous. Never mind that I still have a day job, cute girl sending nude fan pics means I'm famous. No comment on whether or not I returned the favor.
  6. Performed in New York, New Jersey, Seattle, Portland, San Francisco, Los Angeles and a bunch of awesome little towns that nobody gives a shit about.
  7. Recorded my second CD, 1st DVD at a sold out show at The Sacramento Comedy Spot and had the head of a major label ask me not to release it... SO THEY CAN! (More news as it develops. Not counting my chickens until I have them hatched and under contract.)
  8. Saw my documentary "Why Lie? I Need A Drink" released on DVD. Available now at
  9. Headlined The Laff Hole in Seattle.
  10. Will close the year out by headlining at The Steve Allen Theatre in Hollywood on New Years Eve.

I'm starting 2011 by performing in New York on January 6th at Zinc and then The Village Lantern. 2010 was amazing for me, 2011 will be doubly so. Thanks to everyone who has come out to see me. You rule!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Chat Room Comedy For Chronically Ill Teens

My friend Danielle offered me a very unusual gig. She invited me to "perform" my stand up act in a chat room. Comedy by chat, typing in my set up, waiting an appropriate amount of time, typing in the punch, tag, tag. I would not be seen or heard and would have to rely on my words and some minute amount of control of the timing... and it gets better. The audience? Chronically ill teenagers.

Well I didn't have to think twice. I jumped in. I have a chronic illness myself but I'm lucky that the only symptom is having to swallow a lot of pills every day. As long as I make sure I suffer that symptom I don't suffer any others. I suggested Michael O'connell to "open" for me. He too has a chronic illness, muscular dystrophy, which has him operating out of a wheelchair. And Michael and I have put in some time on the road together so I know we have a good rapport. I thought we made a good bill for this particular venue.

I was not sure at all how this would go. Everything a comic does is based on that back and forth with the audience. Trying so hard to get the laughter going and then sneaking under it and bumping it just right to keep it up, keep it up, as long as you can keep it afloat. How would I do this without seeing or hearing my audience! Luckily Michael would be up first so I could watch him succeed or flounder and adjust accordingly.

I logged in about 10 minutes early and right away started getting many hellos from the kids, excited to have me there. I joked around with them and with Danielle for awhile. I told them I'd just seen a competition where you could end up opening for Pauly Shore in Vegas. I said "I wonder what the winner gets!" I got a string of "LOL"s and "Ha ha"s. Ah, so there would be feedback. Cool.

Michael logged in and Danielle blocked the kids from posting, just long enough to do an intro and get Michael started. She posted some rules, asking the kids not to have conversations as the "Show" went on and not to heckle. I was really looking forward to the heckling. Shooting down chronically ill children over the internet, what could be better.

Michael cracked 'em up with tales of the old days of chat rooms, him being an internet veteran and all. Then he mentioned the wheelchair and it turned out several of them were using chairs as well or had in the past. They were really digging his jokes. He was having a bit of trouble, he told me later, with the words he typed showing up in slow motion, but from my end he seemed to be delivering.

He closed with his un-PC, making fun of the disabled joke which was great because I was planning to open with mine, explaining that being friends with Michael let me get away with such. Then I accused him of being a prop comic, using a wheelchair that he found at a thrift store to give him an edge.

I was using a combination of copy and pasting from a prepared script and typing on the fly to keep me in the moment. It reminded me of playing a video game, trying to cut up my lines and put just enough words, then just the right amount of time and just the right amount of words again to mimic the timing of my stage delivery. It was SO much fun and amazingly the string of "LOL"s were quite satisfying. I did my prepared sets, threw some new stuff out there, flubbed a new joke by not sending the punchline. Jokes work better with the punch line.

I talked about my uclerative colitis and my unfortunate familarity with colonoscopies. Several of them mentioned their unfortunate ability to relate and I told them how cool it was to have photos of my colon to hand out at shows after autographing them "Wish You Were Here."

I rode the line a bit, pushing what was acceptable, but I knew I could count on Danielle to reign me in if I got close to going over and she did just that. I joke that marijuana's reported paranoia symptoms may have to do with the fact that we arrest people for it. Thinking that symptom might go away if we knock that off. I then say, "Hell, masturbation makes you paranoid if you live with your parents." That sex and drugs joke is the one that got me a note from the boss lady. Nothing too bad.

I really loved doing it, and I am very surprised to say I like the format a-lot. Hire me for your next chat! It's gonna be my new genre. Keith Lowell Jensen, Chat Room Comic. Thanks Danielle and Michael and most of all thanks to the great kids for their "LOL"s. They mean the world to me.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

The Kid In The Hall

I managed to get expelled from three schools in my life. Apparently that's a-lot. Throughout my school career I'd bounce from honors classes with kids whose parents made a-lot more money than mine to continuation school with kids who had criminal records and drug problems and more often than not kids whose parents made a whole lot less money than mine. My dad, after seeing my fellow students, told the principal of one of these continuation schools, "Keith doesn't belong here. These guys look like adult convicts in a prison yard and Keith's just a kid with a big mouth." Here are four of my favorite occasions when that mouth got me in trouble.

4th Grade, GATE
(Gifted and Talented Education)

The substitute teacher told us there were 24 hours in a day. I raised my hand, like a good kid, and when called on I corrected her. "It's not exactly 24, actually."

She snapped back "Yes it is. Humans define words and a day is defined as 24 hours." and turned dismissively to return to her lesson.

I corrected her. "No, a day is defined as the amount of time it takes the earth to turn 360 degrees on it's axis and that is approximately but not exactly 24 hours." I then added. "Are you sure you're qualified to be teaching our class? You know this is a GATE class right?" I spent the rest of the day reading OMNI Magazine while sitting on the walkway outside of class.

7th Grade

The Science teacher told us that objects in space attracted one another and I thought, quite sincerely, that I'd come up with a perfect example. I raised my hand, like a good kid, and when called on I asked "Is that why the last Cheerios always stick together in the bowl?"

The other kids laughed hysterically and assuming that I'd been intentionally funny, which was giving me way too much credit, I was sent to stand outside.

8th Grade

The choir teacher was very disappointed in the whole class for our lackluster recital of the pledge of allegiance. He decided to inflame our patriotism with an inspiring tale. It seems he'd had the opportunity to visit West Germany. While there he dined at a restaurant where he sat on the veranda granting him a view over the wall into East Germany. We heard vivid descriptions of the stark contrasts between the bright, lively, beautiful west and the drab, gray, eerily empty and silent east. He paused to let us soak it all in.

I raised my hand, like a good kid. Mr. Horace was sure he'd reached us and looked forward to my confession of understanding and national pride! When called on I asked. "Yeah, Mr. Horace, on which side of that wall do you think they're more likely to force kids to pledge their allegiance?"


I still have no idea why a story about West Germany being beautiful is supposed to make me pledge allegiance to the US. It kind of made me want to check out West Germany before making any hasty decisions.

9th Grade

For once I wasn't one of the students riding Mr. Herr. I was more distracted by the back of Andrea Posey's head. The back of her head was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen, I mean other than the front of her head. She was heavy metal video kind of pretty but knew the words to Violent Femmes songs. I was sure we were destined to be together. If only I could get up the nerve to talk to her.

Then I heard Mr. Herr say those amazing words "You can't make me mad. I'm sorry but you can't. I wish you'd just quit trying so we could move on with class. I'll tell you what, let's get it out of the way. Go ahead and try to make me mad. I'll give any of you a free shot. Get it out of your system and we can get on with things. You can insult me all you want but no cursing."

Four hands shot up, one of them mine. Mr. Herr called on Sean. "Yeah, why are you called Mr. Herr when you're bald."

"Oh, am I bald? I hadn't noticed. I get up every morning and look in the mirror and shave and somehow never noticed I was bald. Oh how wounded I am. Nice try Sean."

Three more hands shot up, one of them mine. Mr. Herr called on David. "Are you gay?"

"No. And neither is my wife. Anyone else?"

Only my hand was up. I think Doug was going to ask the question David had already just asked. I was the only one with his hand raised, like a good kid, and when called on...

"Yeah, Mr. Herr, I was wondering why I got a C on the last test even though I copied all of Andrea's questions exactly and she got an A. Then I noticed that you always call on her when there's work to be done on the board and I'm pretty sure I've seen you checking out her butt."

"OUT!" he yelled as he turned crimson.

"WHAT?! No! You can't kick me out!"


"You said we had a free shot!"



"OUT!"I sat in my seat defiantly, incensed. Mr. Herr pulled out a referral slip and started pressing a pen hard to it. I approached his desk. "This is bullshit!"

He kept writing. I pulled the slip away and tore it up. He pulled out another and wrote "2nd copy, student tore up 1st."

I pulled it away and tore it up. I was hoping I could get him to hit me at this point.

He started a third slip. "3rd copy..." I grabbed it.

"I can keep doing this all day Mr. Jensen."

"Me too, Mr. Herr!"

He stopped writing. "Get out."

I walked outside the class, holding in tears and wondered how the hell I'd win this one. I knew I was right but I knew the advantage was his. Another student came out carrying my fourth referral slip. I saw "4th copy..." written on it.

"Hey Juanita, let me have that slip."

"Okay, but you have to tell him you took it or I'll get in trouble."

I agreed, Juanita handed me the referral. I noticed for the first time that she was kind of cute and then I ran back into class, tore up the referral and yelled "Fuck yourself Herr!"

Goddammit, that wasn't gonna help me win the battle. It sure made the class laugh though. I looked at Andrea Posey. She wasn't laughing. Shit!

I ditched Herr's class for the next week while keeping a low profile in my other classes until finally I was called out of PE to the office. I was expelled which is the furthest out of class you can be kicked. I hope Mr. Herr's still alive out there somewhere. I hope this story circulates. I hope, against the odds that it gets back to him. In his defense, I was looking at Andrea Posey's butt too.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Best of 2010 News Stories Which Spawned Shtick

1. Billionaires and Millionaires get tax breaks. It's great to have one headline that can be recycled year after year. Looking forward to copy and pasting this on my 2011 list.

2. NASA finds new form of life in Mono Lake! Keith Richards said to be excited that there is something left on the planet that he hasn't smoked, snorted or shared an std with.

3. Wikileaks – Even atheist comedians drop to their knees and thank the universe for a top news story with the word leaks in it AND the word wiki. Unfortunately the leaks reveal no information about Obama's forged birth certificate, Muslim Faith or Socialist agenda. Maybe they're saving the best for last! Keep the faith.

4. Tea Party – Makes a-lot of noise, waves some of the worse signs ever to be held by someone NOT asking for spare change on a freeway offramp, costs the GOP a few seats, declares itself the winners and then gets sold out as the GOP compromises on every single promise they made in exchange for tax breaks for the wealthy.

5. Fall of Obama – Passes health care reform, wall st. reform, calls off the Feds in states with medicinal marijuana, sees Don't As Don't Tell rescinded but we're still pissed because he promised personal jet packs for everyone by 2010, or something like that. When he said he was a reach across the aisle moderate, we on the left were pretty sure he said it with a wink in our direction but it turns out he actually meant it. Must've had something in his eye.

6.German Chancellor Merkel announces that multiculturalism has failed in Germany. Perhaps she was just tired of hearing Americans calling each other Nazi. “Nazi? No, no, no. I show you Nazi!”
Germany, do you understand, the words heritage and Christian make us very nervous when coming from your mouths?

7. Sun Chips brand snack chips come out with an amazing bag that is 100% biodegradable and made from renewable resources, looks promising to revolutionize packaging industry in a great, green kind of way. Bag is retired when consumers complain that it is too noisy. “Sure, I want to save the planet, but not if it means noisy snacks.”

8. Birthers – Momentum keeps birthers clammering for Obama's birth certificate long after Republican governor of Hawaii verifies it's existence and authenticity. Other Obama slurs which failed to grab hold: Leaves the seat up, wrote that annoying Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer song, in High school he claimed to have done it with a girl in Canada when he hadn't actually done it at all, claims to be black but likes The Beach Boys, is an intellectual.

9. Ground Zero Mosque – Another case of momentum run amok. Protestor's found out it wasn't actually at ground zero but rather at an old Burlington Coat Factory several blocks away. Unfortunately it was too late to call off protests as they'd already made signs, many of them quite creative.

10. U2's Bono reaches a milestone this year. He is an accomplished musician, humanitarian and philanthropist but now that he's also 50 he may want to consider retiring the leather pants.

11. Don't Ask Don't Tell struck down. The one consolation for conservatives is that the wars were unwinnable anyway, at least now they can blame the gays.

12. The BP spill was the worst thing to ever happen, ever in the history of the world and sure to bring about the end of the world as we know it until suddenly, one day, it was all cleaned up. Class action suit for the bad news/good news whiplash still pending.

13. The good news; Christine O'Donnell is not a witch. The better news; She's also not a senator.

14. The Haitian earthquake brings fires, collapsing buildings, lack of clean water and worst of all scores of well intentioned UN Peacekeepers, some with cholera.

15. Arizona's Senate Bill 1070, allowing police to ask any hispanic to prove they're "legal" stirs up much controversy. Arizona wisely back-burners planned bill requiring all Arabs to prove they're not terrorists.
Boycott of Arizona limited since most people avoided going there to begin with.

16. Tiger Woods Infidelities – Did I mention there were really terrible floods in Pakistan? I didn't? Oh, well nobody else did either but hey, I hear Tiger Woods got a little action on the side!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Seattle and Portland, here I come

Heading up to The Laff Hole in Seattle this week where I'm headlining and then down to Portland to perform on Saturday with Will Durst at the beautiful Bagdad Theater. This is my third time at The Bagdad and I'm oh so excited to be back.
My good friend, the hilarious Michael O'Connel is doing both gigs with me.
Come on out and be sure to say hello.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


Comedy makes me feel like I have split personality.

There's the me that goes on stage to entertain whatever audience got lured to the club with free passes or because they're having a bachelorette party and a comedy show seemed to fill the bill or just because it's Saturday.

Then there's the me the goes on stage when it's MY audience there to see me and I can relax and do my thing. This side of me also comes out when the audience is there to See the headliner and it's someone I'm well matched to.

Watching videos of me on stage, the two are really quite different, surprisingly so. Looking forward to more of the later and less of the prior.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

God is a Chevy?

Posted to my youtube page: "hears one joke you may want to add to your gig , if i drive a Chevy and i don't believe in the Chevy manufacturer due to the fact that i have never seen him does that make me a double atheist . god bless you ! my prayers are with you ! the creator forgives in Jesus name , 2010 AD"

My answer: If you were to tell me the Chevy was made by a perfect being who was invisible and has always existed I would not believe you without solid evidence. Especially if some other folks told me it was a whole set of different invisible creatures that made the Chevy and countless other groups had still more claims about who made the Chevy. And if you all further told me the Chevy was, by design, perfect and the poor gas mileage and smog making qualities were intentional put there to test our faith in the Chevy designer, wouldn't I be justified in thinking you all a bit cracked? Have fun with your fantasies while we continue to figure out the reality of the universe around us.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Give me Convenience or Give Me Death

Convenience stores, for your convenience, offer the things you need most in one small location on a corner close to your home. It says a lot about a culture what items they appreciate having handy, what items it's convenient to get in a hurry.

What are our top shopping priorities?
  1. Sugar - Candy and Soda
  2. Alcohol
  3. Cigarettes
  4. Pornography
  5. Condoms
  6. Lottery Tickets
  7. Beef Jerky
If  you're going to have a store that sells just 7 items, that's them there. Be sure you sell lots of energy too. People need energy to handle all that porno. Energy is really just sugar but it says the word energy on it.
Also, be sure to have one small section where you cram together some canned peas, cat food, diapers and feminine hygiene products. These practical items help justify all the other stuff and when people consume enough of that other stuff they may settle for your decades old maxi pads and a can of peas rather than drag their ass all the way to the big store, even after slamming a couple of cans of "energy."

These stores are often run by immigrants and I often hear lazy, sloth like white people complain about said immigrants "taking our jobs." This amuses me to no end, which is why I tolerate the company of lazy, sloth like white people; I need the material. I certainly won't fight any immigrant for the right to work 6am to 2am manning the counter at my very own convenience store. When do they sleep? Sometimes while they're helping us admittedly but I don't mind nor do I envy them.

I went into the convenience store by my house and the Middle Eastern gentleman who runs the store was busy dusting the porno racks. Being a comedian, seeing a Middle Eastern man dusting porn makes my head explode. Too... Many... Punch Lines... BOOM! I managed to get out "Hey man, you can clean 'em all day, they'll still be dirty."

He answers "Excuse me? I clean every day."

"Yeah, yeah, but they're still filthy... those magazines there, they're so dirty."

"No, my whole store is very clean. Always I clean."

"Uh... yeah, sorry. Can you hand me the latest Swank please."

I felt the need to make him laugh. I needed to be friends with this guy. What is that compulsion called? Where you want to make sure people like you? Oh yeah, white guilt. So, I go in again and I see he has Karma Sutra incense with a picture on the box of a Hindu Temple with lots of gymnasts having an orgy in a gravity free environment. I feel the need to treat my friend to free comedy show number two...

"Hey, I see you got Karma Sutra incense." Silent stare. I continue, "Uh, yeah. Heh, heh, you see the thing is, looking at this picture is pleasant to me, you know visually. Pretty sexy stuff. I like it. And I can imagine what this little scene on the front would sound like. That's alright. I'd put that in my iPod. But this is incense and I have to tell you the last thing I want my living room to smell like." More silence, but do I give up? Of course not. "Indian gymnast orgy is not really what I'm going for you know what I mean?"

"Eighty nine cents please. Unless you want the incense too." I didn't want the incense.

The next time I stop in to the shop I just need a Coke to give me some of that energy you hear so much about so I can drive to a show. I grab a cold can and it's $0.89. You pay for convenience. My friend at the counter is talking on the telephone, probably dialed as soon as he saw me come in so he could avoid talking to me. I slap down my iconic red and white can and hand him a ten dollar bill. As he hands back my change he says the first and only words he's said to me since I got there.

"Nine Eleven."

I might have resisted if he hadn't looked up at me, as if he was waiting, waiting to see if I could resist, waiting to see if I was that obvious and so what could I do but prove that I was and am in fact. "Ahhh man, why'd you have to bring that up?"

I smiled. His look turned to one of disappointment. Apparently he'd had some hope that I might be better than that. I took my coke and left.

When I walked in a few days later with a hearty "Hi Buddy!" the keeper of convenience suggested I might want to go the extra block to shop at Safeway. I was flabbergasted. He didn't want my business? "Yeah, well, that's fine. I don't need your overpriced Cokes anyway."

"Then it works out for us both." he countered from behind the counter.

"Yeah. Well, I'm a stand up comedian and I talk about you in my act." I was determined to win now. He'd bruised my ego so, like a wounded animal, I struck back. Well, like a wounded, nerdy, animal.

"What do you say about me in your act?" he asked, putting an emphasis on "act" as if to imply quotes.

Ha! He was taking the bait. I told him every story I just related here. He did not seem taken back in the way I'd hoped and then he responded, calmly, "But... you are the asshole in every story." with the emphasis now on "asshole". I think he even through in a bit more accent than he normally has so to make his insult cute. The two cute college students who were patiently waiting to buy their "Go Girls" giggled.

I was desperate. I went from wounded nerdy animal to snake under tire lashing out, pointlessly as it dies a slow and certain death. Parked in front of the shop I saw the Hummer which frequently transported flats of my beloved cola cans from Costco to this very convenience store. "Hey, Nice Hummer!" I yelled from where I now stood on the sidewalk just outside the store. "How do you explain to the folks back home what you're driving? 'Hello Mom. Do You Remember The Car That Ran Over Our Village?'"

I saw the baseball bat coming out and I took my leave, oddly and temporarily satisfied. I shop at Safeway now. And I quit drinking Coke.
Why Lie I Need A Drink at
I am excited to announce that the little film that could has at last made it to a DVD release and can be preordered on,, and more.
There are some cool special features including an interview with the director (that's me) missing scenes, official trailer and nude picks of a former First Lady.*

*I may be full of shit.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Why Lie I Need A Drink on DVD at Last!

CLICK HERE to visit pre-sale page for Why Lie I Need A Drink.
As you may know, I made a movie, a documentary to be precise, called Why Lie I Need A Drink. I had heard many times, while handing a homeless person a dollar, "Don't give them money. They probably make more than you."
Well, for many reasons I just had to know if this was true. So, I got some cardboard and some makers and I went out to see how much money I could make on a freeway offramp!
The experiment landed me on CBS Radio, Spike TV and got me a ridiculous amount of attention on the internet. The film played at theatres in New York, San Francisco, Sacramento and Stockton. Now at long last we're bringing it to DVD. You can pre-order it, and I'll sure appreciate it if you do. And tell a friend because that is who indy films get noticed. THANKS

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Lumpia Farts

I am done with comedy competitions. I hate them.
I know this sounds like sour grapes but so be it, I feel like it's detrimental to me to keep banging my head against this particular wall. I've been in exactly one competition that I enjoyed. There were judges rather than the audience voting and the three people who moved on all had really good sets. One of the judges wrote me later to let me know that it was a really close call between me and the guy who came in third and he reviewed my cd on his comedy website. Cool.
That's not how it usually works.
People I've lost to:

The old tall lady
All her jokes were about being old except for the jokes about being tall and the jokes about being tall and old. There were saggy booby jokes and cougar jokes and when it was almost but unfortunately not entirely over she did her whole set again, as a rap, because nothing is funnier than an old white lady rapping right?

The fat guy
I'm not hating on fat comics. Some of my favorite's are packing a bit of extra warmth and nutrition for the coming apocalypse. This particular fat guy did the "I can't see my penis." joke and that was one of his better ones.

Lumpia Farts
"I like to eat Lumpia but that gives you the farts eh. I get the mmmm farts. Mexican lady thinks I'm talking about her son. 'Why you keep saying Umberto?'"

Yeah, for real, I lost to Lumpia Farts! What the fuck!

A friend of mine was backstage at a competition with a guy who does a good solid road set. The kind of comic who can always deliver but has nothing unique to offer so he will never escape the one nighter bar circuit. He says it's been years since his last competition, the won where he took 1st place. 2nd place was Lois CK. I didn't check to see if his story was true but I can believe it.

Fuck competitions. These grapes are sour and I aint eating them anymore.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Sexual Healing

Sexual addiction is a real problem it's just hard to take it as such if you don't suffer from it. It's hard to imagine suffering from it. When I try to picture it at it's worse... it's kind of hot.

What's the worst case scenario? Anyone ever end up sucking dick for pussy? I'm sure people have had to suck dick for dick but that's win/win.

If you suffer sexual addiction you go to meeting just like alcoholics but by necessity everyone at these meeting brings their genitalia with them to the meeting. It's like alcoholics meeting at a bar, where all the drinks are free.

I wonder how many people at any given meeting are just there to catch anyone falling off the wagon. How do they keep it from being a singles bar without booze and with less flattering lighting?

When I was a kid nymphomaniac was what you called a slut before she rebuffed you. "I'm asking Jenny out. Word has it she's a total nympho. Tania? No, turns out she's a complete slut."

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Travels In Southern Oregon

I promised a blog about the Oregon trip, so here goes.
Ngaio's car is disgusting. It's like a bachelor pad on wheels, which means it's also kind of awesome. Great place to relax, listen to GREAT music, smoke a cigar and watch beautiful scenery go by.

My wife sent me off with enough food to invade Russia in the winter. She was using her head though. She explained that the extra munchies were because I was traveling with a stoner.
We left a day early in order to hit Ashland on the way up and check out Dennis Peron, marijuana activist extraordinaire. I'm gonna be honest here and I hope it doesn't come across as disrespect of a man who has fought the good fight all his life, but Peron kinda struck me as a dude who had maybe smoked a bit too much pot.

We stayed at the Ashland Springs Hotel, which is awesome. Right in the middle of downtown Ashland. My past experiences with Ashland have been universally creepy. I've been cruised in the middle of a grocery store in the middle of the afternoon and that's just one of many stories. It was great that this visit was so much fun. Ashland's a cool little town. It was great but maybe a little disappointing. I didn't want to leave without one creepy Ashland story. So, we stopped to get gas and I took a turn paying. Ngaio is looking out his car at the meter (the attendant pumped as it's illegal to pump your own gas in Oregon) and was surprised to see it pass $20 as he thought he'd filled up recently. When it passed $30 I craned my neck to see gas overflowing all over the place. I yelled to the attendant who then offered to hose it off.
How much gas do you think that is? I asked him.
"Well, I couldn't guestimate that."

And I thought, the hell you can't. Guestimate away and be sure it's in my favor. But I kept my mouth shut and realized I'd gotten my Ashland story.

The next stop was Coos Bay where we had an early and a late show in the Mill Casino and Hotel. If Casinos are your thing this one seemed to have all the stuff. I didn't gamble a single coin, drink a single drink or smoke a single cigarette so I can't offer much of a review except to say there is a nice walk along the water and a huge fire pit in the lobby.

The early show was a bit rough. I needed to adjust to the, how do I put this, non-urban crowd.
I'm not a snob, okay, I am a little, but I liked these folks fine but they need something different than the Sac, LA, SF crowds. I also need to stop worrying about old people. They came to a comedy show, they've lived through shit I can only imagine, I'm probably not going to shock them, I need to just do my set and not censor myself because grandma is in the audience.

The late show, I made these adjustments, plus I took some advice from Ngaio and added a couple of dirtier jokes. It's cool that he knows my set well enough to have favorites. I did much better. I closed with "Answering the Door Naked" and it went over very well.

Oh, did I mention I thought I was gonna get in a fight for a minute? It went like this...

Drunk: So, you think that it's cool to joke about Haiti? That that shit is funny?
Ngaio: Dude, the show's over. Let it go.
Drunk: No, man, I just want to know why he thinks that's funny?
Me: Me and this guy did a benefit to HELP people in Haiti and that's where I got those joke. The butt of the joke is NOT the people of Haiti. I'm making fun of the dumb ass rock stars who can't be bothered to write a new song for Haiti. Are you okay with making fun of rock stars?
Drunk: Um... yeah, okay.
Me: Cool. I'm Keith. (I shake his hand.)
Drunk: I'm Bernadette Peters (real name withheld to protect the intoxicated.) I'm glad I talked to you or it would bug me all night.
Me: I'm glad you did too.

Now this all went down before the second show and the drunk stuck around for said second show. When I came off stage he came out to tell me that he thought of a less offensive joke about Haiti that I could use:
"You know they just found a black dude buried in rubble for two weeks and he was alive. You just can't kill them."
I didn't know what to say. I was struck dumb, amazed, yes you could even say flabbergasted.

Leaving Coos Bay we stop at a gas station and the old codger looks at big, dreadlocked, black Ngaio and geeky, scrawny, white me and ask if I'M keeping HIM out of trouble. I agree that I am and the old dude says "Good! He'd probably just as soon run over half the crackers in Oregon!" We all have a good laugh and dude pumps the gas. Awesome.

We stop in Roseburg, watch a crappy movie (An American in Paris) I take in some Sponge Bob in the hotel and Ngaio does something, probably out running over crackers.

Beautiful drive and then Klammath Falls. We check in at Legends and it looks like a roadhouse. I picture bar fights and girls dancing on the bar. Our Motel 6 is on the same block as is a strip club that I never got around to checking out and a drive through coffee shop that has a nice walkway to a pedestrian window where you can stand if you want to be ignored by the cute girl who helps like four different cars while you stand there until you get frustrated and leave. The position of the espresso machine ensured lots of cleavage flashing while I waited so that was okay, and saved me from having to check out the strip club.

I opened my set that night with "Wow, this place is nuts! I feel like I'm in the cantina scene in Star Wars. I think I just saw Greedo pointing a gun at Han Solo." I wasn't pandering, the scene was crrrazy. I observed to Ngaio that it wasn't the mix of black people and white people that made it strange, it was THESE black people with THESE white people. There was actually a dude there with a plaid short sleeve shirt, sleeves rolled up to his shoulders, skin tight jeans, cowboy boots, a HUGE wad of chew in his bottom lip and a souther flag trucker cap. There were dudes who looked like the wanted to look like gangsters, and there was the occasional Indian (from India) in Dockers and a dress shirt.

They loved us. I had a great set. I was having much fun. Ngaio did almost 90 minutes and had them going the whole time. It was a blast. Before the show the host told me that the cute bartender was flirting with me. I don't know if this is true, I'm terrible at identifying flirting but my funniness has always been a wooing strategy and the thought that cute flirting girl may be watching always helps.

Being THE most boring comic in the world, I got paid and went back to my room alone after chatting for a minute with a good looking couple, about my age, who may or may not have been picking up on me. The guy in the couple told me several times that the female partner was in great shape and a professional dancer. She was cute, reminded me of Juliet on LOST.

Apparently after I left there were a few fights which were followed by conciliatory hugs. I woke up fairly early, found a coffee shop that would actually give me coffee and we drove the long pretty drive back to my favorite city which is where my favorite wife and my favorite baby were waiting.

If you want to get some road time in with an established comic you could do a lot worse than Ngaio. He was hella cool to hang out with and he plays great music which makes a big difference. You never want to get stuck on the road listening to The Eagles for five days.

Monday, February 22, 2010


Sometimes the recollecting of a memory replaces the memory. What I mean to say is, I mine my past for stories and jokes, I embellish and punch them up and eventually the memory fades and I remember my first kiss less than I remember the jokes and the exaggerations I built around my first kiss. I try to keep my comedy honest but it still sometimes feels like I'm trading my memories for a laugh.

Saturday, February 20, 2010


I started out as a Catholic and it had a lasting effect.

You probably think I'm going to say I feel guilt. I do, but I don't attribute that to Catholicism. Everyone with a mom thinks their people have the corner on guilt. No, it's not guilt that was uniquely Catholic it was the awesome system of alleviating guilt. Catholicism actually gave you a really quick way to to assuage the guilt.

If I do something wrong now it's gonna bug me and to cure that, I gotta fix it, make it right. If that's impossible then I just gotta live with it. If I was still on the Pope's good side though, I could do a penance. What I wouldn't give to just do a penance instead of all this apologizing and making amends crap. But there is no secular equivalent and that is too bad. What I wouldn't give to be able to just tell some voyerstic bastard what jacked up thing I did and then have him assign "Three The Gamblers by Kenny Rogers, and two dirty limericks, then come up with an original haiku and you're clear."

"That's it? I don't even have to bury the cat or anything?"

"No man, you're cool. On second thought, better throw in an extra haiku and hum something from the eighties."

Friday, January 15, 2010

Atheist Comedian T-Shirt

Click on graphic to view larger
This is a preliminary design. Thoughts?

Lazy Mexicans?

I've always heard the stereotype of the lazy Mexican but I grew up in Corona, CA and the Mexican immigrants I knew, my friends' parents, were the hardest working people I'd ever met. Fifty hour plus work-week with side-work on the weekend and if they ran out of work they worked on their own homes.

My friend Miguel's dad was a brick-worker and one year work was slow. Their house transformed. Brick everywhere, arches that went nowhere, brick toys for the kids. The man could not stand to not be working.

Now admittedly their kids were a different story. They grew up to be beer drinking, video game playing layabouts. But it doesn't take a genius to see, they did not learn this from their parents. Fact is, I'm pretty sure they learned this from me.

"Chill out Miguel. Your dad aint gonna kick you out of the will. He's bluffing. You got that beautiful brick house coming, and if he don't slow down it won't be long. Now pass me a brewski and have a seat. Cómo se dice en español, Legend of Zelda?"

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Big Brother

Big Brother IS watching. That much Orwell got right. What the author missed was how much we would enjoy it. I have the camera in my house. Most of my friends do too. The government didn't have to put them there. We went to Target and bought them and paid extra for the most pixels per inch.

Orwell didn't foresee the panic that would ensue when we think Big Brother has looked away for a moment or failed to notice us.
LOOK AT ME BIG BROTHER! LOOK AT ME! I have a blog, I'm on twitter, I'm on youtube, I'm on facebook, Look, Look, Look!

Hey, Big Brother, Look, my kid's floating away in a balloon! Woah! Hey check it out, I'm cheating on my wife... with my sister! Here, they'll fight, watch 'em fight Big Brother watch! You need tears? I got tears. My twelve year old is an overweight drug addict prostitute! Sure, she'd love to be on your show. I'll come on with her! Watch us Big Brother! Watch!