Thursday, August 28, 2008

Politics and Poodle Love

Both Obama and McCain have promised a respectable campaign; No smear tactics, ad hominem attacks, etc. Here's how its panning out:

Old: My Opponent is a poodle fucker!

: My Opponent fucks poodles. I believe he is a good person and he cares about America, but I don't think America needs a poodle fucker. I don't believe that poodle fucking is the direction we want to take our country in.

As you can see its a huge improvement, though I'll miss the old mud slinging politics of yesteryear.

Remember to register and vote for your favorite poodle fucking or non poodle fucking candidate.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Alt Alt Alt Alt

Hello my blogreading friends,
I'd like to announce here that I am now, officially an alternative, alternative comic.
My act will seem just like anyone else's, but in my case it's totally intentional.
And a bit ironic.
Its like post-post modern traditionalist neo-vaudeville.

Also I'm experimenting with back masking. tell me if the message says anything when you read it backwards okay?



PS: Steve Martin stole my act.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Bad Language and Tramp Stamps ahead...

So, I usually don't get hostile to my audience no matter what. I've even walked off stage and hugged a heckler before, explaining that I understood his need for attention.

But something about the three little bottle blond tramp stamped 20 year olds who came to the comedy show to sit right up front and then hold their own conversation through everybody's act and show each other the texts they were receiving on their phones just made my blood boil

So, there I am, explaining the wheel of Samsara."So, if you're a bad guy you could come back in the next life as something worse, like a stand up comic in a fucking pizza parlor. (then specifically to the bimbos) seriously, what the fuck was I in my past life to deserve you? Shit, I must have been Hitler! (in voice of god) 'Little hard on the Jews there Adolph. Have fun doing comedy in Sunnyvale.'"

Later I told a joke about animal testing that references lonely lab techs and one of the vapid three laughed. "Oh you like the monkey fucking jokes? Okay, I'm glad I know now. Next time I'm in Sunnyvale it's all monkey fucking all the time, got it."

Wheeeeeee Fun!

What I didn't say was: NO Twenty year old has an excuse to have a tatooed lower back. Unless they were inked up in their pre-teens they got that tattoo AFTER the term Tramp Stamp came into effect. They were familiar with the term. Did they ask for it by name? "Uh, yeah, Snake, can I get 'free blowjobs tattooed on my chin? No wait, never mind, just tramp stamp me instead."


UPDATE: Sorry Sunnyvale. I love you. I wasn't actually in Sunnyvale. I don't usually drive to gigs so I never can remember where I am. When I'm offered a gig and there is someone to carpool with (bum a ride off of) I just concentrate on where and when I'm getting picked up and then I magically arrive at some venue with a stage. Yeah, it is pretty pathetic to not even know what town you're cursing. Ah well. Sunnyvale, I owe you one.

Friday, August 8, 2008

John Ross

John Ross has been cracking me up for years. He walks on stage looking very much the dork with his strange musical instrument in hand, a pair of black framed glasses on his face. He continues to be the offbeat dork as he casually wanders through the tragedies and low points of his life. With a matter of fact attitude Ross explores his parent's drug addiction, his mother's death, his own sometimes fragile Faith; The amazing thing about Ross' act is that it never exploits the horror of its often dark subject matter. He takes the life he was given with an almost absurd cheer and mines it for comedic gems hidden amidst the wreckage. The end result is unique, hilarious and oddly touching.

John Ross is taping his first live comedy DVD and you can be a part of it.

October 4th, 2008

7:30 PM ¤ The 24th Street Theater
2791 24th Street
Sacramento, CA 95818
Cost: $15

Visit John at

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Sexy, Funny me

I am so sexy.
I am so funny.
No, for real. I know, I know, I had trouble believing it at first, but its true!
Have a peek at my myspace comments section. It's right there, written by a real live girl and a smart and pretty one at that (No, it isn't another of my fake profiles smartass!)

And hey, lucky you, you get to be friends with sexy, funny me. And as my less sexy, less funny friend you totally get my castoffs. It may not sound so great at first, but I'm married (and faithfully so) so my cast offs are to be plentiful. Yeah baby, that's the stuff.

Had an awesome night last night. Stepped outside of my safety zone and went to a mainstream, weeknight room where I wasn't performing within a theme and I did great. I had a good time and so did the audience. It is nice to know that I can still be funny without relying on my atheist material which only made up a tiny fraction of my shtick last night.

Speaking of, HOLY CRAP, look at the shows I have booked on my page. Coexist? is getting some amazing bookings. And there is even a secret booking that I'm not at liberty to discuss yet that is going to be AWESOME.

Okay then, bye bye.