Saturday, December 31, 2005

Stick Needles in Me

"Do you think everytime someone gets accupuncture a doll somewhere howls in pain?" Tapan Trivedi

My Ulcerative Colitis is acting up and the drugs they have me on are not doing a damn thing. The next step in drug therapy is a really harsh drug that will likely start wreaking havoc on my other organs and will require bone marrow testing regularly. Yep, they'll drill into my bones to remove marrow. That or I can do another run of the steroids. I LOVED being on the steroids, seriously. I had energy, and I felt better than I'd felt in years; no headches, no belly aches, nothing. I just don't like doing something so harsh more than once especially with potential side effects like a lump of fat devoloping on my forehead or a humbback.

So, what's a suffering belly aching gimp to do? Well, I don't want to do anything too drastic until after opening night of our new show, when my symptoms may start to fade on their own as my stress fades. But I don't want to have to give up doing things that stress me out, I want a long term solution to this problem.

I'm going to try accupuncture. It's something I've always been interested in and I've read that there is a high success rate at using accupuncture to deal with auto-immune conditions such as mine. (No, I don't have aids, that's AQUIRED Immune Deficiancy, my immune system is over-active not under. And it's a heredetary condition.)

My friend Linda works for an accupuncturist here in town who is also and herbalogist so I'm going to go give it a try as soon as they can get me in. I'm real excited about it and I look foward to describing the whole process here.

Friday, December 30, 2005

Sacto Punks hate me

This girl socked me in the mouth. How I responded led many of Sacto's coolest punks to think me an ass, and rightly so. Read the full story, my version of it at least, by clicking Here!

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Ozzy Under Cover

Another CD review for the News and Review. This time I reviewed Ozzy's Under Cover, an album of covers and I never mention what a lame and obvious title that is for a cover album. Here's my review:

"It’s a shame Ozzy is doing so well. A tad more desperation might have taken him down the career-reviving path of Johnny Cash, who, with Rick Rubin’s help, turned in some of his most inspired work late in life. Instead, the Oz, with fame and fortune to spare, put together the world’s most expensive bar band to crank out this album of uninspired covers. With the best voice in the business at the helm, the album is certainly worth listening to--and the song choices are good; covering Joe Walsh, King Crimson and Mott the Hoople is not as obvious as taking on the Stones’ “Sympathy for the Devil.” But the arrangements are strictly by-the-numbers, rockin’ while the beers are poured. Oh well. Neil Diamond has turned to Rick Rubin; perhaps we’ll get his amazing pipes belting out some Ween sometime soon. "

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Some New Posts

I have new posts up at and at
Neither post is all that cheerfull. It won't stop raining, I have a big show coming up and my guts are rotten. If you want cheerfull it might be best to check for now. Them gals is always so happy.

Monday, December 26, 2005

Happy Materialism Day

So what material goods did I get on this holiday when we celebrate our glorious consumer culture?

3 books

Death On the Installment Plan by Celine, American Splendor by Harvey Pekar and 1776 by David McCuloough
1 piece of jewelry
a cool Silver fly pin, it's awesome. I'll have to get a picture up soon. Thanks sweetheart.
1 cd
Nia by Blackalicious
1 doll
A cool 1959 reissue Barbie to add to my collection
2 dvds
Freaks and The Bad Seed
1 tool box
See I am butch (this makes up for the Barbie?)
Some clothes
including a great old wool trench coat from my girlfriend (+ three shirts)

Materialism day worked out okay for me. Next I'll post what I gave.

Friday, December 23, 2005

These Were The Earlies

A review I wrote for The News and Review.
The Earlies, These Were The Earlies:
Brian Wilson’s Smile, the great lost Beach Boys album, finally saw the light of day last year. These Were the Earlies was released in Europe months later, and it’s easy to see this delightful album as surfing playfully in Smile’s wake. Combining electronica and art-pop in lush arrangements, with a vast array of instruments, the complex production somehow manages never to seem busy. As with Wilco and the Flaming Lips, who’ve also managed to combine ambient sounds and electronic music with more traditional song structure and instrumentation, the real star is the songwriting: sweet perfection here, though there’s not a tune in the bunch that wouldn’t work with a single voice and guitar. One can’t help but gush over this fine pop album, thankfully available in the United States at last.

Much More Blogging Soon

This is sort of a coming attractions post as I've not been blogging much this past couple of weeks. The holidays keeping me busy, Mike's death keeping me sad but also introspective, the ICBINC show keeping me busy as hell and nervous to boot. The truth is I can't wait until it's all over. My stomach problems are flaring up and I hope they fade when the stress season fades. The last time I told my doctor about a flare up he tried to put me on this crazy medicine that would require having my freakin' blood marrow checked every couple of weeks. I asked him if we could put it off and see if things improved on their own and luckily the old quack agreed and things got better. I give up all coffee, sugar, wheat and junk food when the old tummy complains and the coffee headaches have been monstrous.
But wait, I said this was to be a coming attractions post. Okay. More job stories. If you're reading this and you want to share a crazy job story please send it in. Then a new blog, either fight stories or drug stories. Please, if you have a preference express it. And very soon I'll start a weird quirky blog called lists where I will just plubish lists. A list of all my favorite comedians. A list of all my brothers. A list of what I've eaten. I'm interested in looking at expressing identity through a collection of information with no writing just lists of the things that make up an individuals life. I have a querky little blog going now that I don't link to. You'll find it if you're inclined to look.
I'm writing this from a cafe. That's something I was excited about doing when I got a laptop, but I rarely do it. It's kind of cool. I'm sitting at Infusion, downtown Sac, having some chamomile and typing away. Nice.
So let me know, Fighting or Drugging and please send me your stories.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

The Memorial

I went to Mike's memorial today. It was interesting seeing a Catholic church so full of punk rockers. Many nice things were said about Mike and many cool stories were shared. My downstairs neighbor Skinner told of he and Mike's bicycle gang The Shifters and someone else observed that over half of the people in attendance had been in a band with Mike at some time. His uncle talked about helping him move and asking if he had any kitchen utensiles. Mike held up a fork.
Mike was not on a career path, moved a-lot, would couch surf or crash with his folks. I hope everyone that knew him knew what a success he was. He succeeded at maintaining his intergrity, making great music, traveling all over the damn place and touching the lives of everyone who met him in a really positive way. I'm going to listen to some Popesmashers now, and enjoy his awesome drumming. I'm glad I knew him. I'm thankfull for so many good people out there today appreciating what a wonderful man we've lost.

Monday, December 19, 2005


I was just killing time at work and I decided to check out I was saddened and shocked to hear that my friend Mike Guis was struck by a car and killed. Mike was the drummer for beloved Sacto punk band The Yahmos and for The Pope Smashers, one of the best bands I've ever had the pleasure of hearing. Those outside of Sac might know The Yahmos as the band that most of the members of !!! used to be in.

Mike was a real easy going guy. He was ambitious artistically but he survived job to job, often having no job and he maintained every bit of intergrity he'd been born with. I looked up to Mike in many ways and I often wish that I was brave enough to live as he lived. Making art, traveling around, not stressing out about security. Once he mentioned Black Sabbath and I giggled. He tore into me. It was no joke. If I thought Sabbath was a joke then I hadn't listened to them he said. I respected Mike as a musician so I went to the used CD shop and traded some free tickets to a show I was promoting for some Sabbath CDs. I've been a fan ever since. He gave me Sabbath. Damn! That's a guy you've got to love.

This is really sad. I'm going to miss Mike very much. The comments section at HeckaSac have some links to photos and what not. The great photo up top here I got from HERE.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Footprints in The Sand: an inspirational poem

I had a dream in which there were footprints in the sand.
The little footprints were mine;
the big ones belonged to Jesus
(He has enormous feet, you know what they say.)
In some places all five feet could be seen
but in other spots only Jesus' feet appeared
next to long lines in the sand as if he were accompanied by serpents.
"These are the places where I dragged you away from fat men who wished to have sex with you after you passed out from alcohol" said Jesus.
"Oh, thanks, dude." said I.
"What about the spot with the big weird pock marks next to your foot prints?"
asked I.
"Those mark the place where you were freakin' out and eating dirt. I didn't stop you cause it was funny." said he.
"That's pretty cold, dude." said I.
"Hey, God made the dirt so the dirt can't hurt." said he.
"Oh, thanks alot." said I. "Hey Jesus, was your step dad Joseph pissed that God got to Mary before he did?
I mean that's got to be a pretty hard act to follow." said I.
Before Jesus could answer I woke up, drunk, with fat guys having sex with me.

New Jobs Story: Working On The Railroad

My buddy Jason adair (the second feller on the left there) gave us this great tale of his old railroad days. Considering his experience on the rails left him with nothing to type with but two stumps where his hands once was, the least you could do is read the dang story. Go ahead, it's up at or you can click HERE to go right to it.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Zombie Survival Guide

If confronted by a pack of flesh-hungry zombies today, would you be ready? Odds are, you would not. Luckily for you, former Saturday Night Live writer Max Brooks (son of Mel Brooks and Anne Bancroft) is out to improve that situation. The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead will give you the information you need. What causes zombie-ism? Which weapons offer the best defense against ghouls? What should one wear to an undead holocaust?

The answers all can be found in this amazingly detailed and utterly serious guide, along with an eerie history of zombie outbreaks, an expose on the secret chinese Zombie farm where an undead army is being raised, and an amazing taxonomy of the zombie, drawing from all the great zombie films and putting together the most believable and compatible traits.

With the creepy scenes Brooks comes up with and his extensive research it comes as no surprise that his name appears in the credits of the 2004 Dawn of The Dead remake.

A must-have item for any survivalist’s library. Be warned: Reading such a thorough, excrutiatingly detailed book on zombies can pack twice as many chills as your average Living Dead flick. Just remember this one piece of advice: “Use your head. Cut off theirs.”

(a condensed version of this review ran in the Sac News and Review in April of 2004)
And you can buy it at amazon:

Bryna's Birthday

Its my wonderful, talented, beautiful girlfriend's birthday today. I'm off to get her some flowers and a foo-foo coffee drink. If you're reading this and you know my sweetheart, give her a call, wish her a happy 33rd birthday.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Richard Pryor 1940 - 2005

The following is an article I did for the News and Review. I did my best to get comments from other comedians regarding how Richard Pryor touched their lives and affected their artform. I could've written more, but sometimes it's good to have a forum like this force me to be succinct. I think it says goodbye nicely. You can read the article at the News and Reviews site HERE!

Sacramento’s comedians have an e-mail list where we trade jokes and career advice, post gigs or talk smack. Being comedians, we mostly talk smack. This week we’ve been posting heartfelt ruminations on the life, career and art of Richard Pryor, who, after a long battle with multiple sclerosis, died from a heart attack last Saturday at age 65.

“That a slum-dwelling kid with a prostitute mother can make it with nothing but conviction and a microphone, then the USA is a place to be,” Sacramento comedian Tapan Trivedi e-mailed from India, where he is visiting family. “He taught me to do what I like on stage.” Trivedi described Indian television reporting Pryor’s death, showing video clips without any audio in order to maintain decency standards.

“Pryor was never dirty,” wrote Rick Pulido, another local comedian. “He spoke like he was raised; he told us what he witnessed.”

Best known for pushing the envelope of what could be said onstage further than any other comedian with the possible exception of Lenny Bruce, Pryor armed himself with more incendiary material than “fuck,” “shit” and “nigger.” He brought every aspect of his life to the stage. For most, catching on fire while smoking cocaine would be a career-ender. Not for Pryor. He was in front of an audience joking about it as soon as his burns healed. Once, without warning in the middle of a routine, he re-enacted a drug-induced heart attack. It was a brave bit in its own right, but braver because he didn’t end the show with it. Like Houdini shackling himself and then slipping free of the chains, Pryor brought the audience from stunned silence back to laughter.

He also blazed trails on the racial front, reaching a level of success and power in Hollywood previously unheard of for a black entertainer. Pryor was able to pen his own deals and accordingly turned in a string of films including the hilarious Stir Crazy, the best of several projects pairing him with Gene Wilder. Like Redd Foxx and Dick Gregory before him, Pryor allowed Americans to laugh while working through their racial tensions.

“He blew open the doors,” wrote Del Van Dyke, who has trained many Sacramento comics. Shane Murphy, well-known for organizing local comedy benefit shows to aid sick kids, victims of natural disasters and whoever else needs a hand, also said goodbye to his comedy hero: “He spoke the truth up there without trying to make himself look good, and he somehow, like an alchemist, turned his worst tragedies and heart breaks into comedy gold. Richard and Jennifer Pryor even took the time to send encouraging e-mails to an obscure, bald, local comic in Sacramento, one of the greatest thrills I’ve ever received. I never got the honor of meeting you, Rich, but you were the best of us, and I miss you.”

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Australian Racial Violence

My brother is in Australia right now. Read his take on the race riots at

And feast your eyes on this handsome example of the superior race pictured at left. I don't think he has his every moment Zen. Why is it the worst, most drunken, broken members of a race are always the ones that are so sure that their race is superior?

This is really heart breaking. It has me wondering what I can do to show my love for good people of all races and religions. Me and my nephew went on a tour of churches, temples, mosques, synagogues. It was so cool. I was helping him deal with the fact that his family has different ideas about god, from atheist Uncle to don't really care about such things mom to born again grandparents. Some friends and I were talking about doing this on a larger scale. Like a pub crawl but a faith crawl. Get enough communion wine going and the differences are less than you'd think. Anyway, I've got to get back to being a member of the superior race. It's awful hard work with all these cops trying to oppress me.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Times are Tough For Santa

I dressed up as Santa Claus and went panhandling. I made $17.24 in an hour of panhandling. Check it out by clicking here.

A virus for you

Computer viruses may just be darwinian principles applying to the virtual world as they do to the real world. If you got a virus because you opened the file marked "Youngest nude girls allowed by law" good. You deserve it. Get off the internet.

If you believed that you're grandma who has been dead for three years sent you an attachment labeled "good happy family photo for you", bye bye, off the internet.

If you were fooled by the twelve year old kid in Malaysia who beats boredom by giving fat American's infected attachments labeled "Free Hamburger for hungry you", see you later, no internet for you.

My point? It's pretty easy not to download a virus. And if you got one, you may just want to stick to playing solitaire with your computer (what it was originaly intended for I believe.)

Pesky adware that keeps loading pop ups onto your computer even when you're offline is equaly easy to avoid but dammit sometimes a guy needs to see some naked ladies pretending to be lesbians. What do these advertisers hope will happen? That I'll by their product because they're totally f'in' up my web surfing? If a guy tackles me on the street and staples a flyer to my head, I aint buyin' the brand of pizza that he's selling, no matter how good the deal. What sucks is that some moron, or rather many morons, are responding to this kind of advertising. They must be, or the advertisers would quit using it.

So, virus making kid in some previously third world country with way more 'puter skills than me, please make a program promising a better pizza deal with lots of pop up ad loading and give a crazy permanently disabling virus only to those who actually try to respond to the pop ups. Get them off of my internet.

One last thoughts on viruses. Though I am an atheist I hate the argument that there can't be a god because why would god allow disease. To folks using this argument I'd like to point out that we know there is a creator when it comes to the world wide web, and what's the first thing this creator (Al Gore?) did once this virtual world was created? Add disease. So maybe there is a great creator, and a young Malaysian kid is messing up his world.

Sorry Malaysia, I chose your country at random, no offense intended.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Thirty Dollars in sixty minutes!

Yep. I broke my record as a panhandler. Yay for holiday shoppers (or mailers in this case). The full story is at

Friday, December 9, 2005

Skating Again

WOO HOO! Went out with my nephew last night and hit a parking lot. We only skated for about twenty minutes, and then for another ten later that night, but it felt so good to be back on my board. And I actually learned something from watching videos. I can ollie twice as high as I could before I broke my collar bone. I won't be back in a pool or on a ramp for a-while, but I'm skating again and that's great.

It's fun teaching my nephew. Of course, he'll pass me up soon, but he won't need much teaching after that. Once you get the momentum going it keeps going (that's why it's called momentum.) He told me that this was the best day of his life. Sure we'd watched skate videos, and played some video games, but I figured the best day of his life would be one of the days spent at the Skate Park. No, he was stoked to be skating after dark. Ha ha. It's funny to remember what's cool to a kid.

Let's see what I break next. I think I'll start a betting pool.
Hey that's a great idea. I'm gonna do it. Watch for the "What part of KLJ's body will be injured while skating" pool real soon.

Thursday, December 8, 2005

Hecka Not Cool

A certain local blog has some postings about who is and isn't a swinger, focusing on our local celebrities. What the hell? Do they aspire to be the Entertainment Tonight of the Sacto indy scene? Do they want to grow up to be the National Enquirer?

I don't care who is a swinger and who isn't. I hope to accomplish more with my blog than spreading gossip about who is putting what where. Okay, venting done. Thanks.

Tuesday, December 6, 2005

Stealing Christmas?

Click here for Google-news search.
Well, apparently the PC Liberals, atheists, Muslims, Jews, Hindus, etc. are trying to steal Christmas, bastards that we are. Yes, we've gone and forced the stores to say Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas, at gun point if memory serves. Too bad we weren't as effective in trying to get their red, white and blue "We love a good war" decor down during the rest of the year.

I caught wind of the story while watching the evening news. I'm amazed at what can be considered newsworthy. There's a war on for Christ's sake, oops, sorry, already mentioned the war, guess I'm being redundant.

At any rate, say Merry Christmas if you'd like. Nobody will stop you. If a store wants to say Happy Holidays, and thereby wish the Christians a merry Christmas, The Jews a happy Chanukah and the Muslims a solemn Ramadan and the Hindus a festive Diwali in the most efficient way, how on earth could you find a problem with this?

One woman, interviewed on the news last night, said "This is the first thing the communists did, getting rid of religion!" HA! Lady, we're not afraid of commies any more, at least not until the ones in South America get a bit stronger. It's all about terrorists now you silly woman. One must keep one's hysterical fears up to date now. And remember, the first thing the terrorists do is to push their own fanatical religion ON the populace. My point? Quick, push your own religion first, they're coming!!!

In closing this rant let me assure you, I will not insist that the stores put up "Happy cold, noisey, crappy music, consumer-hell season!" if they want my business. I'll just assume that this is one of the sentiments they intended to cover when they said, Happy Holidays.

Happy Holidays!

Monday, December 5, 2005

Badly Drawn Robots

My friend Cheese, one of the funniest folks I know and The Sacramento News and Review's choice for Best Up and Coming Comedian has a wonderful web comic called Badly Drawn Robots. See it here, and laugh and laugh and laugh.
I'm trying to convince Cheese to do, The Badly Drawn Robots go to Hawaii, but he doesn't listen. Tell him! Tell him to send those Robots on a trip. It worked for The Brady Family. There's the island love interest, the curse, the competition against the locals and all the great scenery. It's a sure fire winner I tells ya.

Saturday, December 3, 2005

Panhandling Santa

Looking for suggestions. What would panhandling Santa's carboard sign say? Submit your suggestions at

Thursday, December 1, 2005

Merry Christmas

My Christmas present to you, my loyal and lovely readers? A Christmas story I wrote. It's got fighting drunk Santa's, Eagles bashing, housewive-Santa love action, big black security elf drama and jailhouse redemption. Why it's the best damn Christmas Story ever. I'm currently working on producing a musical based on it. Watch for that next Christmas. Enjoy.

Click Here to Read My Christmas Story.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

From Today's Sacramento Bee

The To-Do List:
by Rachel Leibrock

Take this job and ...You think your job is unusually bad, weird or funky? Keith Lowell Jensen's résumé can one-up you in all those respects - and then some. Jensen, a local comedian, details the good, the bad and the funny of the various ways he's earned money in his All My Jobs blog ( Among Jensen's myriad gigs: a busboy on Sacramento's Delta King riverboat, strip-mall janitor and the ultimate local temp job - working for State Net, the legislative tracking service that "seemed to (employ) every musician in Sacramento."

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Big Star; In Space

Big Star is one of my favorite bands. They've been broken up for a million years so I didn't expect to be reviewing a new album from them. Surprise surprise! Click here to read my review of Alex Chilton and company's latest as published in the News and Review.
You can read all my News and Review articles here.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005


I haven't been to work in 7 days, not since breaking my collarbone. I've been working from home and now with the holiday weekend I'll be off another five days. Going back will be hard. I hate work. I hate this job less than most but it's still a meaningless way to kill the majority of one's waking hours. I pledge to free myself from employment in the next few months. I can freelance write and doing promotions so long as I find a health plan that I can afford. Until that goal is accomplished I'll continue to sit at the desk, answering the phone, ordering the concrete tile, dispatching the trucks and practicing the fine art of finding life amidst the gossip and power struggles that make up most of the work day.

It's tough having all this time but not being able to do much writing. My accident has me typing with one hand and my typing never quite kept up with my flow of ideas as it was.

I've begun keeping a dream log. There are so many strong images in my dreams, many of which do not hit full strength until days later.


Homophobia means "afraid of homosexuality". I've heard it said that everybody is homophobic to some degree, even homosexuals themselves.

If everyone is that afraid, we ought to use this in horror movies! Freddy versus Jason could have been When Freddy Met Jason. Given Freddy's perpensity for wearing sweaters and Jasons obsessively close relationship with his mother it's a believable premise.

And a bit of homo-eroticizing might breathe life into some classic horror films as well. "Frankenstein rips off the door to the castle, storms through the castle gate, goes straight (or should we say 'directly') to your house, knocks on the door with such force, WHAMMO, the door is gone, enters the living room, you're pinned to the couch in terror, and he says….. “Me like what you done with curtains…….Hmmm, what the?!? ROAR!!! Couch no go with carpet…..COUCH MUST GO!!!” You stand by, frozen in terror as Frankenstein or Franco as he’s known at the club, violently redecorates the house, pausing only briefly for mineral water and croissants.

Hopefully the movie will go no further than this. I don’t want to see the gay porn Frankenstein. I mean we don’t know whose organ the doc gave him, but judging by the hands, feet, and head, the doctor had an obsession with size. No wonder the bride of Frankenstein looked all freaked out.

Being afraid of the unknown is acceptable, but why does homosexuality inspire such anger and hate. I don’t know what people have against homosexuals. If you ask them they’ll likely say that it goes against nature. Ah yes nature. You know, you might want to take the “Pave the Rainforest” bumper sticker off your truck, before you go claiming to be such a nature lover. I mean come on, when did you ever see one of these good old boys beat the bartender’s ass because their beef jerky wasn’t cruelty free and organic?

There is, however, some evidence that we are indeed a country of nature loving men. You'll notice every Playboy magazine centerfold in history, on the Playmate profile page, where they tell us what we want to hear, features this one…”Turn-ons include sincere men, moonlit walks, and nature.” So either us red-blooded American males love nature, or we just love girls with great big fake tits who love nature.

I look at it this way. If a woman with bags of silicone surgically implanted under her skin can sit in front of a fake waterfall with tons of hairspray, make up, fake fingernails, and the temperature turned way down so her nipples perk up simulating arousal, can love nature, than I figure any person who likes to do what we’ve all witnessed our own pets doing, can be as natural as they damn well please. You macho men out there know what I'm talking about. You can name your dog Butch, clip his ears, dress him in a spiked leather collar; he still wants to get it on with Rex the poodle, he still wants to hump your leg. In fact, it kind of changes the context of the nickname, the short hairdo and the collar there doesn’t it sport.

The other thing that scares people about homosexuals is that everyone always worries that the homo will be attracted to them. Well friends I’ve done some research. I went down to the grown up book store, and I looked through the alternative lifestyle section to see what these homos really like, and I’ll tell you they had books for every taste imaginable. Books full of fat hairy men, books full of young buff men, books full of skinny feminine men and books full of big masculine woman, but I’m happy to reassure you, all you homophobes can relax. There was not one single book about slack jawed, pot-bellied illiterates whose career involves a nametag and a paper hat. I'm also happy to report, you don't have to be a card carrying lesbian to pick up a copy of 'Lipstick Lesbos'. I just told the counter girl it was for my lesbian sister (Tee hee, I don't have a sister).

Finally we come to the best reason for hating anyone... religion. Now, living in California I’ve seen gay priests and preachers. They take as many liberties with The Bible as any other preacher, using quotes like, “lo, it was Christ himself who said to thou art to turn the other cheek" "Let all men be as fishers of men. I’m fishing for men", "If god had put Steve in that garden instead of Eve, we may have never left. We’d have done some gardening though, I’ll tell you that.” The worst is a gay preacher at the singles bar after one too many, “Taste of my body?”

Whatever the big J may think of sodomy he didn't have much to say about it. He did have a few words for those who'd throw stones at a hooker. Yeah, yeah, I know, you weren't throwing anything at hookers you were just beating up fags. Sorry. I get so confused.

My favorite are the alcoholic beverage folks. You go into a gay bar (it was research, I swear) and you'll see Coors, Budweiser and Marlboro neon signs with bright, proud, rainbow flags everywhere. Isn't it a little too easy to be pro-gay in a gay bar? I'm Sure even David Duke is pro-Black and pro-Latino when he's walkin' through East L.A. or Oakland, but it's what he does at home that counts. When Coors puts the rainbow flag on the cans that they ship to Texas, or when the Marlboro Man starts behaving in a manner befitting such a cute cowboy outfit and well trimmed mustache, then I'll believe these companies are pro-gay. Of course selling your cancer causing product to gay folk is a strange way to be pro-gay, but these are interesting times we're living in.

If you’re dead set on hating homosexuals I won’t try to stop you, but please hate them for a good reason. Hate them for dressing better than you. Hate them for their atrocious taste in music, (ITS RAINING MEN, HALLELUJAH ITS RAINING MEN, AMEN…FREEDOM (bass=boom boom boom). Hate ‘em for getting more sex than you, hate ‘em cause they don’t have to choose between getting some or going fishing. They can get some while fishing. Hate ‘em cuz they get to watch lesbians making out all the time, and they don’t even appreciate it.
Hate ‘em cuz they’re so damn cute!

Friday, November 18, 2005

Buy My CD Please

People say to me, they say, "Keith, I sure do love your writing, like I love my own life, like I love havin' a pee after drinkin' a six pack of crappy, mostly water, American beer, but Keith, I don't know quite how to show my appreciation."

Well folks, relax. Just a quick note, expressing your love for all I do is thanks enough. But should you want to do more, (and hell why shouldn't you want to?) there are two things you can do. You can go to my panhandling site, give me your cash, and get nothing in return but the knowledge that you made me do the happy dance, or you can go here and buy a comedy cd.

I wrote quite a bit of it and I found some mucho talented ladies and men to play the parts with me as we toured the country finding out wich bits were the funniest. Don't take my word for it, go to the site, see the video, listen to the clips.

So if you think abortion rights is a funny subject right up there with suicide and pornography gone wrong be sure to pick up a copy, and hey, it makes a great gift too.

Be sure to request your local college station spin our CD (they have it, trust me) and watch for our ads in Bust Magazine and Punk Planet and on the television in the greater Sacramento area.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Two more N&R reviews

be patient with me. broken collar bone means typing with one hand for a while.
i wrote 2 articles in this weeks sacramento news and review. both are near and dear to my heart as i wrote about one of my favorite comic artist/writers and two of my favorite sacramento artists. read my story on sac-town band 'daisy spot' here, read my review of jeffrey brown's latest graphic novel 'aeiou: an easy intamacy', here. you can also see the previously unpublished strip that jeffrey did for my jobs blog here.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

it's broke

Just back from the doctor. The fall on my skateboard... I broke my collarbone, sooo I shouldn't have a chance to get anymore injuries for a couple of weeks at least while this heals.

Amber Is Barbie

I just put up a new story by my pal Amber on my jobs blog.

"I might play Barbie for my ‘side job’ but trust me, I certainly don’t live the life of one of America’s most popular icons. Usually when I tell people I play Barbie for Mattel, I get hundreds of the same questions. It seems to me that people think that it’s a real glitzy exclusive job but I’m here to break that stereotype and answer the many questions I get." Read it HERE!


My soul hurts. I want to skate. I love skating and I don't want to buy into any "too old" b.s., but here I sit, waiting for the motrin to kick in, my shoulder is killing me. I took the day off to skate. I skated for twenty minutes and was actually getting the hang of carving the bowls at the skate park before I landed hard on my left shoulder. I tried to walk it off, or skate it off, but it got worse. so now I'm at home feeling old and pathetic, waiting for water to turn into ice so I can numb myself a bit. Two injuries in two weeks, the swellbow (scroll down a few posts) is on the same damn arm. Already I'm telling myself that I won't give in. But why? Am I just really wanting to skate or am I fighting getting old? I'm going to go be in pain now, bye...

Monday, November 14, 2005

Hank Williams Senior

I wrote a review of a new Hank set. It's a pretty good set. Read the review by clicking HERE!

To see a list of all of my reviews and articles that I've done for the News and Review over the years click HERE!

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Panhandling: Darned Christians

I went out today and panhandled at Capital Christian Center. They totally blew the story I had planned by all being really nice. Now they're even posting comments at my blog! Read all about it by clicking; Panhandling: Darned Christians

Thursday, November 10, 2005

New Job Story: Being Will Ferrell

My pal Amber forwarded me the email from Action Promotions. They were looking for someone who looked like Will Ferrell and who could be "high energy." I am told at least once a day that I look like Will Ferrell. I don't see it, but, for $30 an hour, sure, call me Will Ferrell.
Click Here, to visit the jobs blog & read more.

Monday, November 7, 2005

New Job Story: Tech Support

Scottmon has some venting to do after another hard day as a Tech Support Monkey.

"As posted at my workplace, I should "Speak Clearly and Professional."

How does one speak clearly and professional when stating the following...

"Mrs. X, your son has been downloading goat porn and has infested your PC with the spyware from hell."

"Reverend Y, Get off your fat ass and see if the mouse cord is actually plugged in to the computer. We can't send a tech out for that."

Check out this new post at All My Jobs and don't forget the Fun Drive!

Sunday, November 6, 2005

New Panhandling Angle

"Hi, this is Joe, how are you today?"
(wait for response)
"Good. I am a cardboard sign panhandler, you've probably seen me around. I am often dressed as a banana. I am calling today to let you give me money by phone. This spares you the inconvenience and expense of driving to the offramp. Many folks are even giving a dollar or two more than their usual donation since I've managed to save them from using gas. Have you noticed gas prices are very high right now?"

"I can take you're donation by Visa, Mastercard, or any other major credit card. To further convenience you you're donation is not tax deductable and so you don't have to worry about saving your reciept."

Visit to read the rest and to donate a couple of bucks. God Bless.
And Click Here to check out the FUN Drive, Woo Hoo! Of course you could also just scroll down to the next post, if ya want to be a party pooper.

Saturday, November 5, 2005

Fun Drive

I love when NPR or PBS does a pledge drive and they call it a "Fun Drive." My favorite part is the guilting. In between the fun they let you know that if you're listening and not pledging you may as well be stealing! That's cool, I steal cable too so it all works out.
The truth is I love NPR and PBS, and someday, when I'm not so poor, I will give them some bucks. Hopefully they're still around. To hear them tell it they could go broke any minute.

I'm doing my own Fun Drive here. I don't want your money, well yes I do, but I'm not asking for it here (go to for that.) What I'm asking for here are your comments on my posts. Links to from your website or blog. And please remember, while webmasters aren't supposed to solicit clicks, clicking on the ads helps a website out more than just about anything else. So, consider this, if you're looking at my articles and stories and not giving me clicks, you may as well be molesting my pets. You sicko.

Here's some new banners for linking to my pages. I'll have banners for and the panhandling site up soon.


This is an article I did years ago for taking a good look at some of the more interesting porno films out there. The majority of the population looks at porn and the porn industry makes more money than the mainstream film and music industries combined. Unfortunately our puritanical values keep it shameful and hidden so it's awfully hard, er, difficult to find out which films are worth looking at. The following flicks are good films to start with. I chose the films because they were interesting. If you're looking for flicks that are hot I'd advise checking out Andrew Blake. I know men and women who love his films. And now, I present to you

KLJ's Guide To Quality Porno

Deep Throat is the King (or Queen?) of all porno flicks. First off the premise is hilarious. Linda Lovelace plays a woman who can't have an orgasm no matter how hard she tries, and lordy, lordy does she try. Luckily a good doctor discovers her G-spot. Unluckily it's deep in her throat. Luckily the doctor has the proper, uh, um, medical equipment to reach it, and we haven't gotten to the weird part yet. Now here's where we get truly bizarre; Deep Throat is a MUSICAL! An action, comedy, porno, MUSICAL. I love this film, especially the Jealous nurse song.

The film is the highest grossing x-rated film of all time (counting only films that saw a theatrical release) and during the 70's going to see this film was hip even amongst Hollywood stars. More weirdness, Lovelace later is born again, and claims her abusive husband forced her to make the movie. She wrote a book about her experience, "Ordeal" which was released only after the publisher had her take a lie detector test! Ordeal the book and Deep Throat the movie would make a fantastic gift set don't ya think?

Probably the first porno most of us knew by name, Debbie Does Dallas features the adorable Bambi Woods as Debbie a high school cheerleader who has earned herself a coveted position on the Texas Cowgirl Cheerleaders. The problem is Debbie can't afford the trip to Dallas. Don't fret little angel, the story has a happy ending. Debbie's current cheerleading squad decides they'll all go and to afford it they'll all provide services for cash, innocent services, you know, helping out in the record store, washing cars. Of course it isn't long before the girls realize the cash is coming in too slow and the kind of services you first thought I meant begin to be offered.

The plot is good for a laugh and Bambi Woods looks great in her cheerleading outfits but in the end this is just a porno flick with lots of unimaginative sex scenes and worst of all lots of allusions to and even simulated depictions of pedophilia. Most of what you'd get out of this one can be gotten by viewing the case the DVD comes in!

Caligula: A 15 Million Dollar Porno starring Malcolm McDowell and Peter O'Toole!!! How the hell did this happen? Well here's the way I heard it. A beautiful period film was in the works about the twisted life of Caesar Caligula who was prone to sleeping with his sister and his horse (one at a time, don't be obscene), who put the wives of the house of lords up in a brothel that they might serve the public more directly, who was very happy to devirginize brides in front of their grooms on their wedding day, and who married one of Rome's most notorious prostitutes. Ahhh the good old days.

The film was huge, with it's big stars and elaborate sets and costumes, and historically accurate to a degree not usually seen in big budget historical porno films. The production not surprisingly ran out of money before being completed. Send in Penthouse Magazine's Bob Guccione to the rescue. Of course he insisted on some creative input. Along with Guccione came a bevy of Penthouse pets, horribly distracting from the lavish sets. It is rumored that Guccione put in most of the hardcore footage after the shooting of the esteemed English actors was completed.

By the time the film was released screenplay author Gore Vidal had asked to have his name removed from the credits. How much of the original intent of the film survives amidst the grunting and thrusting is what makes the viewing of this film truly surreal, and for the most part rather enjoyable.

How often do you find praise from Andy Warhol while perusing the naughty room of the local mom and pop video store? Radley Metzger is an art film director. Unlike many who've started hard core and softened Metzger started soft, earned great critical acclaim and then went further into hard core but maintained his artistic temperament, excellent writing, acting and above all his amazing cinematography.

BUT, I'm discussing strange here and Radley certainly qualifies. Score is an unabashed, throw subtlety to the wind, swinger recruitment film. While the two men gettin' together may upset the less sensitive of you take heart the two woman get along rather well as well and I know you're all thrilled about that.

Watch this and Metzger's other films (He does an adult Eva Peron Story!) with your sweetie. Many films claim to be couple approved but his are amongst the precious few that really do have something for everyone. One exeption to this may be, The Opening of Misty Beethoven, a porn take on Pygmalion that is way more fun than My Fair Lady. I loved it, my girlfriend complained that the movie featured too many blowjob scenes. Her critique will serve as high praise to most readers.

So Super Vixens isn't quite porn. It's an amazing and sexy film none the less. Possibly my favorite Russ Meyer production. I was involved in screening an illegally obtained print of this film and I ended up answering to Russ Meyer himself! Read the whole story here.

This film features the most fun, happy, bouncy sex scenes of all time with the most delightful assortment of women (Blonde, Brunette, Indian, Black, Farmers daughter all with Russ Meyer tademark large breast and magnificent curves) horrificly juxtaposed against the most extreme violence, mostly wrought by Charles Napier's character who chases the story's hero across country as said hero is attacked by every sexy woman that crosses his path and forced into hideous acts of love, poor fella!

Pamela and Tommy Lee's Sex Tape can't truly be considered an amateur tape can it? I took this one to a Lesbian friend's hair salon and watched the flick with her and her gal pals who were patiently waiting for her to give them bad lesbian hair. My gal pal says to me as Pamela's tastin' of Tommy's love, "Keith I aint seen many dicks, but is that one HUGE!" "Either it's huge or her head is friggin' tiny"! Tommy's piece does amaze especially when he honks the horn of his boat with it. He and Pamela seem to be genuinely crazy about each other, at one point pulling their car over on the side of the road for a quickie. It wasn't long before the domestic violence charges let us know there would not be a sequel.

Vince Neil, also of Motley Crue, not to be outdone put out a tape of his own love life. No one noticed. Sorry Vince.

Sex and Zen is a well produced high flying kung fu porn flick! The first time I've ever seen the wires normally used in anti gravity kung fu fight scenes used in sex scenes. Picture this, a brusque male tosses his lady love high in the air, climbs up a chain, and allows her to land on his penis on her way down.

This soft core flick follows a fairy tale story of sex magic. Boy meets girl, boy must have girl, boy must become a man going through many trials and tribulations including having his penis removed and replaced with a horse's penis. The fighting scenes and the sexing scenes are equally well choreographed and Amy Yip is a beauty to behold. You'll definitely be wanting to see more of her. I watched this one with my girlfriend and she loved it. Be warned though watching this with your lover may require you to learn some dangerous new tricks.

When I was a kid Flesh Gordon was legendary yet I some how missed seeing it until my adult years when we looked into screening it at the Trash Film Orgy. I was surprised to find the film isn't actually a porn but rather of a soft core, parody of the sci-fi serials. The film is of course sex obsessed in the silliest and most innocent ways and features many, many boobies, though I've not gotten an exact account. Flesh must save the planet Earth from an evil sex ray that turn Earthlings into sex crazed maniacs causing mass orgies to erupt all over the planet. In a penis shaped space ship Flesh flies off to do battle with Emperor Wang the Perverted. I got a great laugh out of the flick and we would have loved to have screened it at The Crest! Too bad we weren't able to get a good print. Good news for you though, the film is readily available on DVD. Female lead Cindy Hopkins is extremely cute so those of you looking for pornorific qualities may still find this flick to your liking.

The Devil in Miss Jones opens with Miss Jones slitting her writs in the bathtub. OK that's a strange opening for a porno. Miss Jones then heads on down to hell where she is to experience all of the things that might have made life worth living had she tried them before it was to late. Georgina Splevins is a beautiful woman but the film is more strange than good and even the strange is all used up in the first few scenes. After that it's boring sex scene after boring sex scene. One of the only times I've looked at a porno and thought, "I should have just read the book."

The New Wave Hookers series is arty, strange, and hilarious. It's no wonder we find Gregory Dark who produced the series as half of "The Dark Brothers" now working quite successfully in the music video industry. He even did a video for Britney Spears but after he nonchalantly mentioned some of his films Britney and her label quickly disassociated themselves.

The NWH films feature some of the best know actresses, Chasey Lain, Savanna, Madison, Nikki Dial and easily the weirdest scenes and plots ever seen, even within the weird world of porn. Actors with cages over their heads, sex scenes between clowns, sex scenes featuring men in giant duck suits, you get the idea. The Dark Brothers seem to believe porno should be imaginative and fun. Their films took porno into the MTV era with fast editing and pure candy visuals.

NWH Two losers, black hustler, Jamal and punk rocker, Jimmy fall asleep while watching TV and dream, simultaneously that they dress like Devo and run a call girl service using the "hottest new-wave tunes" to turn their "employees" into mindless sex zombies. Did I mention Sushi Scene (nuff said)!

NWH#2 The lost, underwater city of Atlantis is full of women! The men wear flippers on their feet and lamp shades on their heads.

NWH#3 When Frank takes some "friendly" advice from his attorney, he ends up losing his wife to a Prostitute Training Center called the Deep House. Features the notorious Quacking Duck Man Scene!

NWH#4 Midget Santa Clause Sex Scene. YAY!

The term Blue Vanities is used to describe classic porn, especially early stag films and peep show and strip tease reels. As soon as the moving picture camera was invented it was aimed at naked women and soon after at couples en flagrante. Some of the older films are very charming and genuinely sexy featuring more teasing and titillation and less "Hey look this fits in here!" Especially handy (pun not intended but appreciated) if you are throwing a bachelor or bachelorette party and would like to stick with tradition without sacrificing good taste. Warning, even this far back when a male/female couple is on the screen it's usually not very erotic and gets tiresome pretty quickly ending up with a bored looking woman and an unneeded anatomical study. I'd say stick with the strip teases and the bad girl fetish type flicks Betty Page became known for and you'll have a grand old time.

Telemundo? Porn? Well when you're a wee young lad and your parents use the V-chip to block even Mtv what to do, what to do. Those urges are stirring and visual stimulation is a must. Mom hasn't been leaving the women's magazines out with the sexy underwear ads. Luckily few parents think to block the Spanish language channel and happily the Spanish language channels put sex in every show from The News to sitcoms to the market report. Think I'm exaggerating. Let's look at Xuxa. Kid's show hostesses did not look like this when I was a young-un sufferin' through Mr. Rogers. Romper Room takes on a whole new meaning! Xuxa wears hot pants, go-go boots, mid drifts and that's when she's feeling modest. She frequently breaks into can can dancing with a line of similarly clad lovelies, but I only have eyes for her.

There's a widely circulated rumor that Xuxa did a true porn flick. Don't believe it. She has posed for some more adult type model shoots but doesn't seem to have done any nudes. Actually the only differences between the adult photos and what you'll see on the kids show is that on the telly she's smilin' more which I find right sexy. UPDATE 11/29/06: Well, she WAS in an adult film, but body doubles were used for the sex scenes of the film's main actresses. More information at Wikipedia, Click Here.

Archie comics and better yet Betty and Veronica could always be counted on to help youngsters develop fetishes. My grandpa used to supply me with these comics and then, after I turned 18 he started passing his playboy magazines onto me. He understood. The message to parents on the Archie Comics official page nearly killed me considerin' what these comics have come to mean to me. Personally I prefer Veronica, but then I've always sided with the bad girls. Ya know, on second though, maybe I do like Betty more. The innocence thing is just a front, I'm sure of it. Thank god I don't have to actually decide.

Before the hate mail rolls in, let me admit this is not a definitive list. My most glaring admission would have to be Behind the Green Door, but I have not seen it yet. Green Door was produced by the Mitchell Brothers. Rated X is a great film with Emelio Estevez and Charlie Sheen as The Mitchells. Boogie Nights is another great fiction film about the wild world of 70's porn. Porn Star- The Legend of Ron Jeremy is a good, if not particularly deep documentary on one of porns most well known and confusing stars.